Same Boy You Use To Be {Sev}

[Lily Ann Evans-Potter]

♥Lily{Ann}Evans-Potter

♥

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Now I don't hardy know her[/color]
but I think I could love her
Crimson & Clover[/color]
I wish wish she'd come walking over.
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Late September 1981
Evans House Near Spinner End

The

weather was stormy and the thunder boomed and echoed like something from one of the old Muggle Horror movies Lily had loved as a little girl. All teh more scary because they were something that really could happen. Thunder rolled across the heavens and lightening lit the outside like streaks of sudden sunlight. All of this caught Lily's attention but only half way. The letter that had come to her was delievered not in letter form but in an enchanted locket, something that had surprised Lily to be brought by a sleek and silent owl. That had eyes the mirrored the moon. It was in a few words regal appearing. The creature had even offered something Lily might have accounted to a bow to her before taking the treat she offered and disappeared like a ghost back into the night. She thought it might have been a gift from one of her family but somehow there was more to it than that. The etching of her name across it for one. She had opened it only to have a letter within it. The picture within it was something that brought tears to her eyes, and she blinked them back. She and Severus in the park they were older but not so old that the idea of the park was unappealing, well to be truthful the park still appealed to her even to that day. She still visited it when she paid visits to Eileen. Something that was far overdue now that she thought about it. Now that Harry was old enough to sleep through the night. She would ask Maddie to look in on him since she was the best Auror that Lily knew, she was easily as good as James and herself even. Though Lily had always been more concerned with being a mother than a warrior. She had just had the grades for it.

Lily placed the warm little blanket over the small bundle in the baby bed curled up to a stuff Snitch, something she had found at the Toy Store in Diagon Alley. She was making the best of the life she had choosen and Harry was the best thing to have happened to her since before she left school. His eyes were her shade of green and peered at her sleepily a wide yawn as he settled under the blanket. She sat in the nursery reading the note that had been penned by a steady hand. A painfully familiar one. It brought with it alot of emotions that she held no control over. She wasn't angry any more. She wasn't upset anymore. You lived and you learned and you grew older. The red haired witch tucked strands of curls back behind her ears and she glanced out the window again. There was never any choice she read what was written and felt a similar cord struck within her that had been the first day she'd met him and she'd encouraged him to take off the oversized coat and come play. The words were almost painful to read and she imagined they had been painful to write. There was also love in those words as much as there was sorrow. Lily felt tears drop down her nose and she wiped the back of her hand. She had always been good at reading Severus and a few years away had done nothing to that ability. She could tell he feared she wouldn't come, wouldn't forgive him, he seemed on the edge throughout his letter. He had left her address as a return address. Well, the house her parents owned that she and Petunia had grown up in. They had moved into town to be nearer to Tuney and her husband and little boy. There was no thinking about it of course she would go. Lily had turned her attention to getting Harry ready to go. She'd leave him with her parents, than she'd Apportate into her House near Spinner's End.

A few minutes later she had used the Floo Powder to get to her mother and father's they'd made sure to give her a fireplace to come in through. Lily was very good at travel so there was little concern of her having an accident. After a quick visit Lily Apportated to her former house. Inside not outside, the place was creepy by night with all the Stormy Weather. The soft little pop would have been a give away to the fact that Lily had arrived there. The house was still very well taken care of and Lily ran her hand along the sofa. It was used as a summer home. It was a good thing that it wasn't summer otherwise the place would have likely been occupied. Lily's room was upstairs where she could look out over the playground. She had moved rooms after things had gotten bad with Tuney. That was where she made her way. her booted heels clicked lightly on the steps as she went up. Lily wore a simple ankle length dress with lilys along the hem. Her hair clipped back by her ears with lily clips. The hooded traveling cloak she wore wasn't wet, but there just in case she couldn't get in through her normal manner. Pausing outside the door she hesitated pondering knocking on the door but that was silly this was her family home. She placed the flat of her hand to the door and turned the crystal doorknob letting herself into the room. It was the only place she could imagine he'd go since her house was where he went when things were bad at his, and he could see the park from her window. It was dark in there only lit by the occassional flash of lightening even as the thunder boomed outside.A Gryffindor at heart Lily was brave enough to step in regardless of the dancing shadows cast by herself, the night and the room.

"I came to you, but than I think you knew I would..." she said her voice that same soft tone she used with him. "Deep down." she pulled the door behind her closed causing the room to drop into furthur shadow with the exception of the lightening that lit the heavens.She said nothing else but waited for him to speak to her. Slim fingers twirling the silver locket between thumb and index finger a habit she would adapt when she was in thought.


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[x]♥Status♥Finished
[x]♥Words♥1266
[x]♥Tags♥Sev
[x]♥Notes♥ As Per disccussed.
[x]♥Music♥ Sympathy for the Devil- The Rolling Stones
[x]♥Clothing♥ Flowing dress with flower pattern and granny boots. Travelers Cloak.

[Severus Snape]

WALK BLINDLY TO THE LIGHT
and reach out for his hand .

don't ask any questions
AND DON"T TRY TO UNDERSTAND

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It was not lost on Severus that the storms, the lightning and boastful thunder, were very much like those in the muggle movies, where two paths awaited the often doomed focus of the lens. And Severus felt like he could relate at the moment. He had become a Death Eater, something that shamed whatever memories any who mattered in the slightest had of him, any relationship he had had that was based on friendship, as antisocial as he may generally be. And now he was rising through the ranks of the Dark Lord’s forces, he hadn’t altogether noticed it happening, but it had been. And people were dying, not at his wand…not anymore, someone had died through one of his spells missing his target and hitting another in the back, he had felt sick straight after. Regardless, people were dying due to his actions, due to what he was doing to stay alive.

Severus could see those two metaphorical paths, and on both he could see his death. He could stand against the Death Eaters, but that would end rather quickly, he was a considerable duellist, they all were though and there were more of them than he. Or he could throw himself into his role, but that was something that he knew he could not do without the death of who he was, and perhaps the worst of the deaths he could imagine.

He knew it well enough, he had thrown away every relationship that he should have cherished. He made no excuses for that, he had put one foot in front of the other down that path. He had always thought himself to be his own boy. Part of him, however, did acknowledge that when he had lost the support of the girl he had loved, the Slytherin common room had become his support network. More accurately, those about to join the Death Eaters had, and had become suddenly very active in being such. He had been halfway there already, but if he had been swept along, he had allowed himself to be. He had been asked to trail Dumbledore that night, he was due to meet with a seer. Severus had done some research on Ms. Sybil Trelawny. She was a fake, a fraud, and neither Dumbledore nor Severus would learn anything of value from her.

Acting on that wilful disobedience, and knowing that it would be punished were Severus found out, he had been left with time alone, time to think. It had been the first time he had really been alone in the three years since that argument. He faced one of two deaths, those were the outcomes that he could see. He used to be brave, if unsure of himself, he had never earned the name he had been tormented with, possibly until now. And that had given him some resolve, he would strike out, but there was someone that he needed to see, and as much as sorry was only a word, an insignificant two syllables, someone who needed to know how deeply he still regretted what had happened, deeper still for now that he understood it.

So he had sat down and written a letter. He pulled no punches, he had screwed up, and as hard as it was, as painful as it was to write, he knew that whatever was going to happen in the next couple of days, it was going to be his one chance. He hadn’t known if Lily would even read it, if he should have expected her to. He feared that, and then resigned himself to the idea that she would not come. She was married, and with child. It didn’t matter who to, he had little right to expect her to drop anything for one second. He nearly stopped writing right there, at that thought. In essence he was asking permission to be let back into her life, as short as his own might well be. But he pressed on. He didn’t plead, he didn’t call upon past memories. He simply told her, after what he had written almost coldly, that being the only way he could bear it, where he was both physically and mentally. He would have another letter to write if she didn’t come, one to his mother, but he had harmed her enough without something that was better done face to face.

When he was finished, when all was signed, he read the letter and stonily held back tears that he refused to stain the parchment with, and the photograph that he had found. How he had wound up in Lily’s room, he had not known. But if he had little time left, this home, and the park that he could see, were the two places that he wanted to be. Two of three, but he didn’t altogether know that he could look his mother in the eye. He had bought a locket, he hadn’t known why, it had been an impulse, and maybe he had known that he would be doing this. He frowned and etched Lily’s name across it with precise movements of his wand. Securing everything within, he looked to Othello, his owl. He sighed, he knew on some level that this was a can of worms that could not be closed once it was opened. Othello pecked him on the hand, somewhat bossily considering he was a smart owl and must have already had an idea over where this might be taken. Severus would have smiled, three years ago, four. Othello had brought some of his rare smiles out of him in that time, his mother’s gift, maybe a hint that he should write to her more often.

He cupped the locket in his hands for a moment before securing it around Othello’s leg and whispering, “Lily, for her eyes alone, please.” Othello bowed to Severus before turning and screeching as his wings felt the sky beneath them. Severus nearly called out to him, to call him back. Only when Othello was out of sight did he lean back against the wall and allow tears to spill. He was strong, he had shown no emotion, even when one had died to his wand, he had not shown the sadness that had never left him for that incident and for losing Lily, but for this short time he could dam back the flood no longer.

He didn’t know how long Othello had been away. But he came back, looking to Severus as if to say I’ve done my bit, kiddo. Absently, Severus dug out a treat to feed the owl before the pop sounded in the home. He nearly stopped breathing, he didn’t know quite what he was going to do, or say. As the door opened, he could not quite meet Lily’s eyes, a flutter of hope he pushed away. Even without meeting him eye to eye, it could be told that Severus had stopped caring enough to look after himself some time in the past two or three months. His skin was sallow, there was barely flesh on his bones. Severus had looked after himself well enough as a student, his hair had been a touch oily perhaps, but here was one who had simply lost interest, something else that had broken. He didn’t smell, that was one of few things that could be said for him in that regard.

As she spoke, and then allowed silence to linger that he looked up, his eyes red though now bone dry, “I knew somewhere.” He sighed, “Though I had no right to hope.” He was feeling…tired, not physically, but almost of life, and it reflected in his voice as much as any emotion was ever allowed to.

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[/color] ![/b] One thousand, two hundred and eighty six
tag ! Lily
song ! Macavity – Cats
[green]notes[/green] ! Could well have named the date as the rip in time considering this is the pivotal turn away from the book
other ! Though seriously…Sev not in a good place right now >.<

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[Lily Ann Evans-Potter]

♥Lily{Ann}Evans-Potter♥

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Now I don't hardy know her[/color]
but I think I could love her
Crimson & Clover[/color]
I wish wish she'd come walking over.
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Normally

this was the weather Lily would have enjoyed standing in her backyard in feeling the rain pelt her clothes to her skin. Not at the moment though because she was still recovering. Her system wasn't as strong as it had been but she knew she'd be fine. Lily had known that Severus had moved down a dark path, she knew because she knew where he was headed. Still she made sure that if she encountered any death eaters while on the job they weren't his height and build. Only out of a childhood loyalty and the fact it would make his mother cry and hurt her heart if something happened to him. Time had been kind enough to ease the wounds she'd felt. She'd seen the War first hand, had been on the field of battle several locations, and she understood above anything else what was precious. Nothing was trivial. Not even the smallest things. It was a war. The Auror's were able to use the Unforgiveables to protect themselves, she had never thrown one she had never had to. Her other spells often served as perfectly good at aprehending anyone that needed it. Had she killed someone, no not directly or that she had known. She herself had not been the most friendly person her last year. She'd left one of the Crabbe's dangling form the Astronomy Tower upside down, and stuck and hadn't been bothered to tell anyone where he was. For taunting her about Severus. Calling her a mudblood had only encited not a explosion but an icy rage and often she responded with spell it was what made it so those who under estimated her no longer did.

The Path he had chosen wasn't something Lily could walk with him, not only because the ground was shifting beneath his feet like quicksand. Rather because she saw the bigger picture. She understood he wanted to make something of himself to be more than he was. Acceptance, everyone wanted that on some level. The Death Eaters had taken him in and that scared her. He was stepping into shadows too deep for her to see. She had loved him dearly had tried to point out that they were not just a clique that they were more. They were up to darker things, but it never quiet worked out. One of them would change the subject and lead to a different discussion but it was what was putting a crack in there relationship that eventually broke it. She would not point fingers nor lay blames he had been her first love, her sweetheart. She was above such things, it was why it had hurt her. The boy who had told her what she was did not matter had suddenly lashed out at her. It had angered her and hurt more than she'd ever admit only because it had come from him. She didn't approve of his friends, and it seemed they were teaching him things like that.

It was always easy to draw someone who had nothing else away by offering them a place to belong. It was a fine tactic. Lily had seen it at work at school. She had suspected there was something up with Peter as well, but James would never hear anything of it. Peter was one of his oldest mates. Lily had refused to allow him to see Harry alone. She would allow the other Marauders but there was something about Wormy that disturbed her. Still she tried to see the best in him. However, she had a feeling she made him nervous now because she watched him with a indifference. James told her he was just shy and that was likely part of the truth. He'd still been a twit in school. She had not excactly gone out of her way to avoid Severus, but she didn't meet his eyes anymore or touch him in passing in the hallway. Maybe she should have, should have tried to draw him back from the brink, brought him from what ever it was that had a tug on him. That wasn't to be because they never allowed him to be alone one of his fellows was always around him. It was really how Crabbe had found himself in a bad situation with a witch more than capable of throwing hexs, that only Severus knew. It was also the second reason she couldn't go down that road, she had a knack for Dark Arts she'd learned from him, and it was a tempting power. She had insight to know better.

Why he was contacting her now was as much a mystery to Lily as why he had not spoken to her sooner. She might have gone to speak with him but she couldn't bring herself to. She didn't know if he'd want to see her again. She was sure they'd broken each other's hearts. The thing about being broken was one could always be fixed. With the proper application if one knew what was cracked. There was no question that if she was needed she would go. She'd not bring Harry, because it was still a bit of a stress for a baby to be Apportated, and she didn't want to risk him if this was something that someone had set up to catch her. She was willing to risk herself but not her son. He was her world. It was a tactic that Maddie had warned her against, but here she was going along with it. Ah well, she was a fair duelest she'd only been from the war for a few months and she was quiet capable of handing herself. The sum of there persons were not that he was a Death Eater or she a Order member but the fact they were people beneath that, just two people who had been avoiding a conversation that was years in needing to be had.

The letter had made her cry but than again she had always been intune to Severus when they were younger. It was the same feelings that would allow her to go find him when he was alone in the Park. Bringing a blanket with her to wrap them in if it was to bitter out. When things were at there worst at his house. It wasn't something that had faded with age wither. It was how she could find him when he had slipped out, or him her with out use of Patronus's it was just something that was. She'd gone as fast as she could to get herself together, to get Harry together to visit her mother over-night. She had left James a note on the fridge that she was going to see her parents and take care of a personal matter. The less anyone knew the better off they would be. At least in her humble opinion. She never once thought to ask him what he thought he was doing writing her like that. When she was married when she had a child. Lily wasn't one to so easily abandon anyone. She still visited with Eileen Snape too. It was something that was known she had apologized to his mother for the whole blow up and explained it. Eileen had told her that passions were sometimes like that.They burned brightly very little could put them out. It hadn't been what Lily had expected to hear but she accepted it as she had accepted everything else that came into her life.

Much like him she knew the moment she went that her life was going to change again. There would be danger certainly. Since there was nothing to help for it. She would do what she could to help him. To reach out to him because she still loved him deep down. She would reach out for him like she had tried to before, and she would try to be what he needed. If she could save him from himself that would be well worth all the trouble she was going to put herself through. For him, for herself, for Eileen who had so very little left as it was. She knew that Eileen missed Severus, and she knew that Lily hadn't spoken to him, so there was that underlaying having to wonder how he was if he was okay. If he'd mved on though she had no right to wonder that any more than he felt he had the right to ask all of this of her. Lily had been touched by the locket with her name across the front of it. Though few would know it was in his hand. Lily had recognized it. Othello had been a gift Eileen had gotten for Sev she knew because she'd seen him. He was regal for an owl. He also had a strong personality. Lily had liked that about him. That he seemed ot know her and to come to her had been a surprise. She didn't send a return letter because she would be there around the same time he would, with her magic.

The ruffling of the birds feathers told Lily that she was right that Othello and herself had gotten there about the same time. She didn't know what she was stepping into going as she had almost blindly into this. It was foolish of her maybe, she was a bright witch. Still she had found familiar steps to lead her up to the her old room. She had no idea what she was going to say, how to say what needed saying or even what she would feel seeing him again like this. She had sorely missed his for years, he had been her best friend before he was anything more. Even McGonagall had seemed sad to know that she wasn't around Severus anymore. Perhaps her head of House had come to an understanding about the two of them by the night they had defended one another. Slughorn had even tried to smooth things over for them but it hadn't worked as well seeing as she didn't have potions that year, she had gotten straits O's through her years, she had the average she needed to go into the field if she wanted to. Lily had just wanted to escape to get away from it all. She'd failed at that, and it seemed so too had he.

That he was leaned against the wall by the window she finally picked from the shadows. He wore such dark clothing he blended in well enough though he was pale far paler than she had ever seen him. He wasn't looking at her or at least if he did he wasn't meeting her eyes. Her long skirts rustled around her booted feet as she moved allowing her gait to bring her into the room after pushing the door shut behind her. She produced her wand and tossed up a simple protection enchantment on the room tucking the wand into her hair just like she had as a girl. Her boots gave her a little more height and she crossed her arms over her chest as she peered at him. Seeing him for the first time and seeing him like this pained her, and her eyes softened her words that might have come died and she tipped her head to the side as he spoke in return. "You are wrong , hope is the one thing you have a right to." she said in a low soft tone. He wasn't in tears but Lily's eyes filled with them. They didn't spill over but they wanted to she blinked them back . "Oh, Sev.." she said softly moving so there wasn't much space between them. "What have you done to yourself ?" her words were whispered like a child afraid of getting caught. He was bloody well a mess. She wouldn't say as such she had manners though she was still quiet worried about him in her expression and how she handled herself.

"If you need me I would not turn you away, no matter what words were ill spoken, and no matter how a heart was broken." she shook her head. "You should have written sooner, you look a fright..." her fingers reach out to touch his cheek. "Has it really been so long that you can't even look me in the eyes, the eyes are the windows to the soul you know." her tone now soft. Though she was clearly shocked and worried by his appearance there was not pity but compassion in her eyes.

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[x]♥Status♥Finished
[x]♥Words♥2335
[x]♥Tags♥Severus
[x]♥Notes♥ Made me get all teary too >.<
[x]♥Music♥ Witchy Woman -the Eagles / Wrapped Around Your Finger-The Police
[x]♥Clothing♥ Flowing dress with flower pattern and granny boots. Travelers Cloak.

[Severus Snape]

WALK BLINDLY TO THE LIGHT
and reach out for his hand .

don't ask any questions
AND DON"T TRY TO UNDERSTAND

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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In simpler times, Severus would have enjoyed being out in the rain, however heavy it was. He had given Lily a mock ticking off over it, and she did…had done it more often than he had. Now though, it simply gave him a headache, though it had to be said that there wasn’t much that didn’t at the moment. He had neglected himself in the past couple of months, not that there was anything the other Death Eaters would see, if they even cared to look, that had caused it. He was a good enough liar he could almost fool himself, they wouldn’t know, nor begin to identify with, the fact that the death that had happened by his hand, to a smaller degree deaths that he had seen, haunted him. He loved his mother. More than he had as a child, he had not understood then that she simply couldn’t show the love that she wanted to, whenever she wanted to, there was always the chance that Tobias would take out on him what he had been on her. Eileen was mum, or sometimes mummy, to Severus, Tobias had always been father, said stiffly and politely. It was cruel that he realised that when he could do nothing about it. She was a ‘blood traitor’, and he had not been left alone, once the Death Eaters had been able to surround him, they had never let go. He had thrown unforgivables, he had missed each time, oh he could hex someone, anyone, badly, but he had always missed the ones that counted. That wasn’t infallible. Two months ago, a muggle, lost, scared, had taken the curse, having missed Severus’s target, in his back. He had barely been older than Severus. The Death Eaters had congratulated him, his ‘first blood’, and he had not shown a shred of remorse.

The moment that he had just a moment of privacy, he finally threw up.

He had heard what Lily had done to Crabbe, he had had to hide a smile. Were they still talking he would have told her well done. But he had started down a path that she could not walk, that his own feet were not steady on. He and Lily had always changed the subject before they got too deep into any suspicions on what this group truly were. He had to share a common room with them, and they had made life more bearable than it could have been, certainly for a half blood. He had justified acts of violence as fun, and knew full well that they were similar to how James had treated him. He had already had a migraine when James had humiliated him. He had also been spending too much time with the Death Eaters who had more or less pressed him into conversation the night before. What he had said had not simply slipped out, he would not justify it, could not, it had been humiliation and anger, all boiling around, and the moment he had said it his stomach had dropped. He had known that he had just seen their time together, their memories, what had been likely to come, shatter in that one moment. He could still have turned away from the path he had taken. He could have given her weeks, months to calm down if that was what it took. The problem was he had had her on one side, the Death Eaters on the other, there was suddenly no one else, and he had given in, perhaps too easily.

Other than being the only people who would talk to him, they had dragged him into events, being told that it was about time he got out of the books and actually lived at school. There had always been one around him, and they knew that their pull on him was contested only by himself. When he had gotten over being ashamed, he had tried to meet Lily in the eye once or twice, he had tried to touch her, but someone always got between them or pulled him in another direction. Eventually it had been easier to simply join them, to truly belong. And he had said the right things, done the right things, had even started to believe them before he found that he was finding it harder to look in the mirror, for a time he had truly been one of them. But that one death had brought it all crashing in, the planning, the non aggressive actions that had consequences, even the deaths caused by others among the group, having nothing to do with him, slammed into him and took a little something with them in passing. It had been said of some that there was no harsher judge upon a person than himself, and there would only be one way that he would stop caring, that it wouldn’t hurt, and over the time the part of him that felt revulsion at his actions would not simply allow that to happen, it would not die and would have to for such to happen. It was fair to say that that piece of him, alone as he had been, was stronger than he had shown himself to be. He knew that Lily had a knack for dark arts, he had had more to do with that than he liked now, he had been upset she had not been sorted into Slytherin, in many ways it would have been better had he followed her instead.

Severus was not fully sure why he was contacting Lily, just as he was not sure why he had bought the locket. He didn’t know if he was asking forgiveness, saying goodbye, just asking her to be there. She was the only one that had seen him cry, the only person that could claim to know him as well as, perhaps better than his own mother did. Eileen was someone else who bounced around his head, he had missed his mum. He had not been one to curl up in her lap when he was upset, or not too often, but he had always known, on some level, that if push came to shove she would be there. The same went for Lily. They had broken each other’s hearts, time had not been quite so kind to Severus, but besides that, while his heart had weakly put itself together, something else had broken and he was not sure that he could fix it without her help. He knew how it may look, that it might look like this was a tactic to lure her into the open. If he wanted her harmed, a detached part of him, the part that scared him and was growing too fast, noted that this would be the perfect way. He knew on a level that she would come, as much as he knew that he didn’t deserve her to, as much as he hated himself, as much as he thought he should direct that hatred towards those who caused it, as much as he just wanted to get out, or to know that the path he walked was different to the one he had started, however coloured it would be by his past actions. He also knew that they were long overdue a conversation they needed, or any conversation at all.

Once he had finished crying, his fear, his guilt, a tumult of emotions that he could not begin to name, pouring out in that one time, he knew that she was going to come, it would not be Lily not to. Of course the fear that she wouldn’t gave way to the fear that she would not forgive him, that he was past any forgiveness even if she were of a mind to. He had been no less in tune with her than she had with him and that’s how he just knew she would come, but that was also clouded by thoughts and emotions he was uncharacteristically unable to control. He leaned against the wall still, for support, just waiting, trying to get some sort of a grip on himself. Othello had gone long past his line of sight in the dark, things had happened, and would happen, that could not be undone. But every time he felt that he had a grip on himself, it flittered away once more. He was weak, not weak as a kitten, but he could feel the lack of food, the lack of sleep, the lack of sunlight, and he was sluggish with that alone, before being wracked with guilt came into it. Othello had been the only creature that he had been able to show kindness to. Mercy was not for one of the Dark Lord’s inner circle and that was where Lucius was trying to push him, and where it was becoming more and more apparent that Severus would have to reach if he wanted to continue to be accepted, to be part of the group. That would have suited Severus just fine only it was also clear that there was only one way out and that was not in any living state.

He knew that Lily had married, and had had a child. He had not been stalking her, or keeping an eye on her, word was simply passed around. It had gotten around the Death Eaters and it had to be wondered if Severus had been told to crush any last tie to anything outside the group, outside of the Dark Lord’s plans for a new world. Even when he had not spoken to her, he had hexed someone badly for making it quite clear that he would like to be the one to kill her, and it was perhaps that he had still been defensive of her that meant she did not have quite the hassle from them that she might have. Severus had also made it clear that he knew better than they just what she was capable of. It had not been mentioned again at school, nothing like that had been said near him, but that she had moved on had been pushed in his face more than once. He had shown a cold disregard to the information, on the outside, as much as it had hurt. Othello had never suffered though, as much as Severus had denied himself. The bird had given him questioning looks when he hadn’t eaten, or slept. He had shaken hi head at him, Othello had quite the personality. Severus had only been affectionate at all when it was just the two of them, but the bird seemed to understand that as well. It was quite possibly why he had not lost himself beyond the means to find himself again just yet. Lily was welcome to her life, Severus knew that that was the way it had to be, if he loved and respected her as much as he had once claimed.

He wasn’t panicking when he heard Lily’s pop from apparating in, but he was still in an inner turmoil. Part of him wanted to leave, it was when that part said that the Dark Lord would be displeased with him that he knew he had to stay, that he had to fight that part of him as long as he could, until he had help to, or until he would walk into a meeting knowing that there would be one Death Eater less by the time it had ended, the latter especially was why he had to stay, there would not be many more chances before he did what had to be done. He had never truly been able to get away from his past with Lily, he owed her…a lot, but this was something that he could not deny her, he could not bring her here and leave.

It had seemed a long time between the door opening and Lily seeing him. Inside, he was awash with emotions that competed for his attention, that competed for expression, in the latter none were successful, he was not one to play poker with and that had been long established. There were already protections around the house, Severus may have cared little for himself at this point but he would not be tracked here, nor scryed on. He would not being violence to the house that he had had so precious few bright memories in his wake. Of course. Lily was better at such charms but Severus had made the effort. He tilted his head as Lily spoke of hope, though he had no ready answer. The concern in her voice tore at Severus and he sighed, “It’s more what I haven’t been doing for myself.” That was something that was hard enough to admit, that he knew he was in the wrong there. Severus knew well enough what Lily wanted to say, his reading on her had been affected little more than hers had on him. He wanted to tell her not to cry for him, but the words would not come.

He seemed to be almost confused at the tenderness in Lily’s voice, at her touch, he had not grown accustomed to such over the past few years, that much was easy to see. He put his hand on the one on his cheek, “I’ve not been alone to.” It was not offered as an excuse, but it had been true nonetheless, even at night there was likely to be someone who would pop in. He was theirs but not quite one of their people, such had been the case until…but that had hardly been worth it. As she spoke of the eyes being the window to the soul, he sighed, and brought his wand out. Very slowly. He tilted his head down to look at it for a moment, “Do you think Ollivander would make wands, sell them to people, if he knew just what they would do?” He shrugged, there was little to be known of that man. It could tell more than he would allow anyone else to see that he needed a moment to compose himself, then he twitched his wand, “This wand…I took a life. I didn’t mean to, I thought I could miss with the curses that mattered, that I knew I had to throw, but when people are in a blind panic…” He shook his head and looked up, finally meeting Lily’s eyes, the pain in his own unhidden, “So what do mine show of my soul? That a muggle boy died because he crossed the path of the wrong person. Not because someone meant him to die, but by a spell cast that was meant for no one.” He looked away, a disgusted scowl distorting his features, “I don’t even know if this soul, these eyes, belong to someone different now, or if the boy that owned them was always meant to be what he is today.”

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[/color] ![/b] Two thousand, four hundred and ninety three
tag ! Lily
song ! Bad reputation - Joan Jett
[green]notes[/green] ! I could say that I did not cry
other ! But that would be like saying Sev and Lily really, really weren't scared at the muggle horror classics

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[Lily Ann Evans-Potter]

♥Lily{Ann}Evans-Potter♥

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Now I don't hardy know her[/color]
but I think I could love her
Crimson & Clover[/color]
I wish wish she'd come walking over.
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When

When they were younger weather like this was perfect for slipping out of the house and having a good game of tag in. Lily was very much like her namesake she needed water and sunlight or was was it rain and storm light. Either way it was something that would pull the young witch from reading and outside. Since Severus knew her so well it often brought him too. If only to fuss as he would in the future without any fire about her catching her death in the weather. She had not listened to him than and she still wouldn't listen in the future some things were just in grained in a person and especially when that person was a stubborn red-head. Often after that they would have to sneak back to his home because Rose would have had a fit seeing them dripping wet and in chance of catching a cold. There would have not been anything teasing about that part. The woman would have scolded them both and set them in the living room to dry. At least Eileen would talk to them while they sat in front of the fire place in what ever clothes was avaliable that fit and dried out. Eileen had not been as hands on a mother as Lily's own mum had been but she had not, not loved her son. Which was what Lily had told him when he looked down at one point. "A mother does what is needed to protect her children, its how it should be." it was as simple as she could put it.

She knew that he had to praticipate in the things that the Death Eaters did she knew that there was a mean streak in Severus she'd seen it when he'd been so unhappy at Tuney for interupting there quiet time. She knew it from school, he was quicker with a wand than she was. He had of course always had a reason back than he was being picked on. It would be a lie to say she approved of the man he had become. It would also be a lie to say she no longer loved and cared for what happened to him. She was not there to judge him for what he had done. If that had been his intent he'd find her responses lacking. She had not come there to gloat as someone else might. Nor did she come there to tell him I told you so. no it was that part of him that still owned her heart that brought her. She would not be shamed by what he had done. Sad yes, disappointed no more than he was in himself. This was a war though and he had to understand death was going to happen, it wasn't all just fun and games. It wasn't like the Slug Club, it was real life with real outcomes, and in that instants people would die.

Crabbe had of course had it coming she was faster with a wand than he was. It came from sneaking around the Forbidden Forest for a couple years. She was not in any mood. When he threw Sev in her face, and called her a mud blood she had smiled to his face, and hexed him bad enough it took over night with Pompy to get him better. She wasn't above the Dark Arts, which was her problem. She'd not used any on him. While he was stuck floating there she had docked house points. Her parting shot was a promise to forget to suspend him next time. Crabbe never spoke or looked directly at her again after that. Lily had lost something in that last year, it had taken having Harry to get back. Lily had yelled at James about the whole situation to just leave Sev alone. That done was done, and they didn't need to be having a war anymore. She couldn't yell at Severus, because the other Death Eaters were so happy to lead him away. Lily also noticed there were a rare few females in that little club. Either they were boys only or woman had better sense. Miss. Black asides. Lily had never liked Bellatrix, the only Black she could tolerate was Andromeda at least she had also gotten out while she could. Lily had tried to shelter him as his mother couldn't and love him twice as much because of it. She had been to sensitive to him, she had cared too much so words could wound her as easily as any spell he could have brought to mind. A spell may have caused less damage than such damning words. She had recoiled and hid.

She had run from it all she had tried to get away from the hurt. It had been said that Lily could love anything. Even if some people added even him to that sentence. They hadn't done it often or to her face. Lily had thought to cut her losses to get out while she was still able to feel something anything. She had gone through her seventh year rather numb. Nothing touched her, she didn't smile quiet as often and she kept her head down. Except when she had done her Prefect duties and she had seen him in the hall in passing, she had not looked up keeping her eyes to the hem of his robes. She knew Severus was to anti social for there events there parties. He did not get on well with others. Even if he had convinced himself he was apart of there little circle, even if they made him feel like he belonged, he didn't feel the under tone of that. As long as your valuable to us. Severus was a hell of a Potions Master, and few in Hogwarts knew more about the Dark Arts than him. Including there disasterious DADA teachers. Lily was sure the positon was cursed very sure. Lily had hoped that Severus would be placed with her in Gryffindor but looking at the lot around her she seriously doubted it. It was like the Sorting Hat knew more than anyone else did. She had asked it about Slytherin it had thought about it. Told her she had cunning and she the qualities, but she was far more brave than even she knew, and her gifts would serve her better in Gryffindor. They had managed to stay together six years through the bad and good, and only lost each other there seventh year. It wasn't a bad thing, not completely. few couples lasted more than a month in those days.

What it actually boiled down to was it didn't matter why he had contacted her. Lily would come to him if he asked. If he needed her. She had only seen his shadow on a couple of occassions but never got a chance to actually talk to him. That she knew him better than Eileen was only because Eileen couldn't reach out to him as she had wanted to and Lily was right there with him. They had quickly become best friends. There was still more to them than that. The deeper connection that was the whole reason she was there tonight. Just looking at him she could tell he had not moved on past her. No one was taking care of him. She doubted anyone else would see what she saw standing there. He was at his wits end. Her brillant, sullen Prince. He was a mix of emotions that Lily could feel more than she could see. Severus always was able to keep an amazing Poker face though never with her. She knew when something was wrong, in that intuitive way she was charming to animals. Lily was just intune with things. He might have felt he didn't deserve her to come to him. Had she felt he needed her she would have anyways, no owl, or note or locket needed. She could see he was at a fork in the road and he needed her there to help him to decide what path he was going not. Not lead him she was past that point. Though if he chose the right one she'd walk it with him as she always had, in some manner been his shadows even in the darkness.

Time hadn't been kind to him for Lily it had softened things, Harry had made her take a step back and view the world. She didn't like what she saw. She didn't want to be a part of the problem but she was happy to be a part of the solution. She wouldn't be herself to stay mad that long. She'd never stayed mad at Severus long. She still visited his mother even when he hadn't Lily loved the older woman like another mother. She had scolded Lily for getting married. Not because she had done it but because she could read her like a book. She knew that Severus had hurt her the night she'd cried in Eileen's lap and apologized for not speaking to Sev since. Seemed that he hadn't done much talking to her either. Though she had told her marrying someone to escape you heart was betraying it, and it could not end well. She hadhoped Lily and Severus would eventually marry. Eileen had wanted a grandchild if only to know there knowledge was going to pass onto another generation. Lily could on;y answer if things had been different. She'd cried that night, honestly cried for the life that she should have had. It was a dangerous line of thought, wistful at the time but given there current situation becoming dangerous again. It would have touched her that he still loved her after all that had happened.Even moreso that he'd defended her even when he didn't have a reason to hexing the guy who wanted a shot at her. In her seventh year she'd have likely taken up that duel if pressed though. Still Severus did know what she was capable of.

Othello was quiet the bird, it could keep Severus in line, and that was saying something. Still there was only so much the bird could do for his master. When the man had refused his gifts of food. Had not been pleased when he bounced into him. He had just wanted to make Severus go to sleep for a little bit. Othello was at his wit end. He hoped the witch with the locket could help, since he obviously couldn't do what was needed.

The thing about Lily was she was making due with the hand she was dealt. It might not have been what she wanted but she at least tried to make it work for her. To some success not much though. As she would have said Harry was the best thing that had happened to her. Than again Lily had always wanted a family, it was her happiness. She wanted to be loved and belong. Just like him, but her desires had nothing to do with Dark Magic or wide scale acceptance. She hadn't waited long to get to him. Fifteen minutes to get Harry dressed all warmly. A few seconds through the floo, ten minutes with her parents, and than she directly apportated to the House. She could have just appeared in her room. She suspected it was where he'd go, not because of it being her room, though that might be part of it. Rather because it showed there play ground. It really was there playground for the summers they had all but lived there. She had both fond and not so fond memories of the house. The Christmas he had offered to hex her sister when she had come to see him with a bruised eye. Her sister hadn't hit her, she'd thrown something from under the tree at her and caught Lily by surprise. There were the memories before that though too. When she and Tuney would sit on the top steps and watch the parties there parents threw.

She had put up a shield a barrier if one would to keep out anyone not already in the House. If they were in that house and she found them. Well it would go from bad for them to much worse. This place was special to her for so many reasons. Lily did not expect to see what she saw before her. She knew what path he had taken but it broke her heart to see the condition it had left him in. He had asked her here she wouldn't easily let him leave until what ever reasons they were here again, at the beginning, was revealed to them. She could tell there were enchants around the house one or two had been made by them in fact. She and Severus had been quiet active when it came to creations and it was a great challange for them to make something knew, to make something better. Her added protection was for him, she'd not allow anyone else within the walls that bore that mark. He was alright as he was already there. "Well obviously I can see that, Sev.." she whispered in a pained tone. At this point she was very close to him and could see that he had been crying though he wasn't at the moment. His pain tore at her very soul. She felt heart-sick for him.Trying to tell her not to cry for him would have been silly since the lightening lit up the room, flashing across her skin and illuminating her. Always, Lily's eyes gave her away the bright green was liquid with the sheen of tears that did roll down her cheeks.

Lily could no more stop them than she could stop the weather outside the window. That lulled and stormed again building up.

His hand against hers didn't give her a start at all though the brief confusion that went across his face told her more than she wanted to know. Even as a boy touching and affection was something that had to be given in small doses now it seemed he was all but shut off. Still he returned the gesture as he did when they were younger. She bit her lips and that helped her hold down on her anger. She just wanted to lash out at those who had crippled him like this. He was hiding within himself. A shell of the boy she knew. She didn't know what happened but clearly something did happen, and Lily knew like she knew when he needed to speak he'd tell her in time if she was patient with him. Gentle with him, gave him time to organize himself. They had no right." was all she said softly and to the point. Even when he pulled his wand out Lily didn't flinch from him and did not step back away from him either. Her gaze going to the dark wood of the wand. Her own was a pale contrase and she created a simple little fairy light between them to float and illuminate them. "I think that Olivander is just the creator, I think he knows very well what a wand can do..and I think that he does what he does with the knowledge that there will always be bother dark and light in the world." she spoke softly. "I think that he understands one can not exsist without the other." her words earnestly spoken. "Remember the wand chooses the wizard, and I think there has to be a reason for that." than he spoke and her heart broke for him all over again. He twitched the wand and Lily entwined her fingers around it, brushed his and plucked it from his fingers. She tucked it into her hair with her own wand, a place as easily plucked as the flowers she'd often woven in her hair. "When people are in a blind panic they are more inclined to run into danger than away from it." she agreed. "Sev..." she began softly than he looked up at her and the fact that she was going to tell him we all make mistakes died on her lips.

That look made her hurt, made all the past hurts seem like nothing more than just scraps from falling in the play ground of there youth. Made her think on things she had store away and refused to think on. Since she couldn't have what she wanted she had tucked it away. She'd have never been rid of him no matter how she tired. "Beloved." was all she could whisper before she stepped into him and wrapped her arms around him.It was a term she held the right to use no matter what they were outside this room. She would have done it even if he pulled or shyed away from her. It was what she felt was needed at the moment and she pulled him close against her. Her voice was husky when she did speak to him. "Sev, I can not tell you that it was not wrong in that, the attack was clearer yours.." she said in a low tone. Her fingers brushed his hair back as she peered up at him. "The only thing I can tell you is to own it, and do something about it. " she was openly in tears there was no help for that. She would weep for him because the only two people who truly loved and cared for him were in this part of London. She even felt guilt for what had happened between them, if she had reach out tried harder, not given up on the War and done something herself she'd not be in the situation she was in now and neither would he. Still could of...was past and they were in what was now.

She fell quiet and intently stared into his eyes, they were dark as even with the light from her fairy orb twinkling between them. She shook her head at that point and she reach up gently to catch his chin when he looked away form her disgusted at himself. "I say that this is not the response of a cold blooded killer, I say that the way you look now your torturing yourself over your actions, I say that is not the response of a Death Eater." her tone firm with him but still spoken softly. Her eyes held the same compassion that had been there earlier but also a sort of determination. She pressed her lips and took a step back from him. Her hand sliding down his arm to catch his hand. Entwining her fingers with his. "You dishonor yourself with such a comment, and me as well." she told him. "I loved that little boy that would sit with me talking for hours about everything and nothing." she said."Come here." she said and it was not a request. She motioned with her hand in and the door snapped open for her showing her inner closet. She pulled him and hard if need be to the spot where the covered mirror was. She leveled her wand which had found its way into her hand, and the cover snapped off with the irritation of the witch who had removed it. Her fingers flicked at the switch and room lit up. Casting them in the dull light of the overhead bulb.

The action illuminated them and her room she had released his hand and stepped behind him. Her hands gentle again as she nudged him forward. Her arms still around his waist as she peeked around him so her face appeared in the mirror too. She was as much a sight as his was since she'd been crying to. That didn't matter though her appearance was not important. "Look at yourself, and don't look away." her tone low. "Do you see a killer looking at you Severus ?" she demanded softly. "Do you see someone who holds no reguard for anyone's life ?" her gaze was intent on his in the mirror. "Do you see someone who would kill everything they love ? You know they won't stop with Muggle's Severus..sooner or later it will be me because I'm a mudblood, your mother because shes a blood tratior..." yes she knew that term might make him wince, might make him angry but at least that was better than the defeat he seemed to feel. "I will tell you what I see when I look in this mirror. I see the same little boy who pushed me on the swing in the park, the same little boy who brought me wild flowers when I was sick. The same boy who knew so much more about the world I was stepping in than I did who was my hero because he could tell me things no one else could. I see the same boy who use to slip away from a home life so bad he needed an escape but never let it show to anyone. Only me." there were tears gathering but didn't fall. "I see the boy who was my best friend, my sweetheart." she said."I see the young man who was my first kiss, my first love, my first everything." she whispered "I see the man he has become and he has not changed so much." she told him "I still see the boy I loved, that I still love even if its wrong to say so." she whispered " I see the man and boy are the same, but what do you see ? " she asked. She knew nothing she told him would go past either of them. She didn't feel odd to tell him she loved him, when he had confessed so much to her in his letter. She felt sad for them, but there was also something lightening to say so.

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[x]♥Status♥Finished
[x]♥Words♥4000
[x]♥Tags♥Sevvie
[x]♥Notes♥ Well yes, and I think that its safe to say I cried at yours and than mine made me cry too >.< but its okay. <3
[x]♥Music♥ I Believe-Blessed Union Of Soul, Tiime after Time-Cyndi Lauper, Voices Carry-Til Tuesday.
[x]♥Clothing♥Flowing dress with flower pattern and granny boots. Travelers Cloak.

[Severus Snape]

WALK BLINDLY TO THE LIGHT
and reach out for his hand .

don't ask any questions
AND DON"T TRY TO UNDERSTAND

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Severus had never really minded being out in the rain nor Lily being out, he had told her off partially just to be contrary and once because going to his home, with the way things were, had not been an option. Of course buy then it was too late, they already looked like drowned rats and would get in trouble with Rose in any case, so they stayed out there until they had to go in. He would fuss over her, he was naturally protective of her, and it was somewhat to be expected, even if they both knew it wasn’t going to change a lot. Besides which, they both knew that any look he gave Lily would be promptly ignored and they’d simply get her warm and then got to what they would have been doing in any case. Severus would not really have minded a telling off from his mother, all things told, or attention at all, he was perhaps a little too young to see what Lily could see as a person from the outside looking in. Of course, sitting by the fire and talking with her was fine as well, he just hadn’t known quite what to expect from her. He would later understand Lily’s words, over Eileen doing what she had to to do right by her son, but like with a lot during that time, too late considering the mess he was in right now.

Severus had not been all too happy having to go to the events that he had to go with the Death Eaters to when he was in that seventh year. Couldn’t they see that he was Anti-Social, capital letters fully deserved? But it was easy to understand, with hindsight, why they did it, it was another way of keeping him away from Lily and he honestly would have tried to patch things up even then. He had a mean streak, that much was to be sure, it was something that he could not blame anyone else for and had never sought to. It could be said by those that truly knew him that he had a good heart that had been mangled, and it was true that he wouldn’t be in the state he were in now otherwise, but he had not helped his own cause. He had been meaner than he might have been otherwise simply because it had been the best way to defend himself, but it had brought him to the attentions of others and given them something to work with. He had not wrote to Lily for her to recriminate him, to make him feel guilty or tell him what a bad person he was, he didn’t really know why he did and likely never would. Partially it may have been that if he was soon to die, there was only she and one other woman that he would want to see before he did. He wasn’t looking for rescuing either, but then he wasn’t quite the soundest of mind that he could have been. He hadn’t truly understood what he was getting himself into, but he had hexed people badly before now, he had done his part, and he had thrown curses that were designed to kill, but he hadn’t been faced with a death directly from his wand until now and it was tearing him apart from the inside.

He had heard what had happened to Crabbe. He had the feeling that he wasn’t supposed to have, it had certainly given him some sort of hope that if he and Lily could just sit alone…but that was simply never to happen. There was always someone with him or an event that they went to. He had thought about Lily, often, but he had never been able to do anything about it. He hadn’t known exactly what had been said otherwise Crabbe would have had another trip to the medical wing, that he had been used to hurt Lily, or to try to hurt her, he would not have liked at all. The only plus side, and it was not one that balanced out losing Lily, was that the hassle from James seemed to have stopped, but then he had got exactly what he wanted, quite possibly exactly what he had wanted since the first time the three of them had met on the train. Or at least he was a step closer with Severus suddenly out of the way. Severus had been fond of Narcissa for a long time, not in any sort of romantic way, but in an almost sibling fashion. It was a pity that she had fallen under the sway of bad influences very much like he had, but her sister had been fanatical over her service to the Dark Lord, Bellatrix being older and Narcissa being the youngest of three, she hadn’t had quite the sense that Andromeda had had to get out of it. Severus would have advised her to himself if not…well, he was well and truly part of that little party now. Twila had been the other that he had gotten along with, she had a knack for potions like very few others, but she was dangerous. Severus knew that well enough, a poison that could not be detected, that could not be cured, at least there was no cure Severus knew, and little chance of reverse engineering the potion, she claimed that she had made a tired mistake and as he well knew with his own inspirations, it was hard to fathom such when it was made by another. He had shown her every support, but he had been warier about her since the first time she had tested it. As for Lily, he might as well have turned his curses on her for all the damage he had done with that one word.

Severus had not been able to run away from it all. Like the muggle, he had walked right into the danger and it seemed almost as final. He knew what he would have to do for it not to hurt, to never be hurt by that kind of thing again, but that amounted to the death of everything about him the people he cared about knew. He knew well enough that people tagged on ‘even him’, he had heard it more often than Lily had to be sure. That was where a part of his insecurity had always come from, in a way he knew that they were right. Severus had tried to catch Lily’s eye, and it had hurt each and every time he had failed to, but that was to be his lot given what he had gotten himself into. It had hurt more when he had realised that she was numb, he saw more of her than anyone had quite known, and he knew how to read her, he had done that to her. It was a shred of guilt that he had carried with him, and perhaps that touch of guilt that had stopped him slipping irrevocably off the path, into being a Death Eater in much the same way that he and Lily’s relationship had advanced, without him even thinking about it. He had not enjoyed the social activities at all, he was a solitary person, he did not like people pressing around him, he didn’t like to be crowded, to be courted. In the terms of the latter, it was where his cold front had truly come from, his attempt to ward off those advances that he had no interest in. Part of him knew, always knew, that he was more useful to the Death Eaters than he was liked by them. Dark magic ran in his family, it was certain that only a generation shy of Eileen having escaped that world, that the parents of this generation would know her son, and that those who looked for people who were not automatically on the path of a Death Eater but could be bent to that purpose would look for. Severus had taken on the nickname the Half-blood Prince, he did not like his surname, not because it belonged to a muggle, he had been honest in telling Lily that it hadn’t mattered, just that there was no love on either side between he and his father, that would have given the game away as to his parentage if nothing else. Severus could have taught the DADA Professors their subject, and had been brusque in correcting the Professor of his final year, quite often detentions be damned. Severus could not have been placed in Gryffindor, he would simply not have fit, and would not have been happy. He was brave, the Hat had said that he was braver than he would, for a long, long time, know, but as his mother would have been, his growth would simply have been stunted in any House but Slytherin. As to whether the Hat knew just what that had entailed could not truly be said. They had made a good go of it all the same, and had shared more moments in eight years than many couples did in eighty.

Severus knew now, too late, what Lily had meant when she has said that his mother was doing as any should, her best for her child. She had been on the outside looking in and, especially when he had been feeling wounded, he had simply not been able to see what the true situation was, that Eileen knew that Tobias might just kill her boy to spite her at the point their relationship had reached. A lot of the time, that meant that without Lily he would have been left out in the cold. When he had observed her, out of curiosity, and started to be with her, they had clicked in a way that transcended a mutual need, Severus’ of companionship and Lily’s of information on what she was getting into. Those factors alone would not have led them where they were with each other, there was something on a deep intuitive level. If one ever believed that two people could share the same soul, it would have been those two. He had not been able to move on, and would not altogether wanted to had he found himself able to. In any case, even in this state only the red eyes gave hint to the fact that something was very wrong with him. He was closed off, the part of him that had been Lily’s and Eileen’s hidden away, trying not to let the situation hurt him any further, because Severus had very nearly had as much as he could stand. That he knew that Lily could feel the tempest that blew inside of him made him also feel just a little vulnerable. He was past the stage where he could be led onto one path or another, he was also past the stage where he could choose right now, if he were to leave this home at the moment, he would be governed only by instinct, and whichever one just happened to make it to the front at that moment in time. That would be as good an indication as any that Severus was not in a good state, he had always been so considered in his actions, even his ‘warning shot’ towards James when he had opened up a line on his cheek with use of sectumsempra.

Severus had had no saving grace in the time since Hogwarts. He had felt more and more that the ground was shifting beneath his feet. He had long disliked the situation that he was in but once one took the Mark, there was only ever going to be one way out and that was not in any condition to appreciate it. This had served to make him feel more and more trapped, and then there was the fact that what had happened was always going to happen sooner or later, that as a logical and rational man, he had known that eventually someone would not be lucky, that they would walk into something not meant for them. He was not the nicest of people by any degree, he had hexed people nastily, but hw was not a cold blooded killer. He had had times himself where he had been thinking if only things had been different. It was not the healthiest of mindsets to be in, in his or any situation. It had been Goyle who had threatened Lily, and Severus had not taken kindly to it at all. He had opened him up with sectumsempra, badly. And he had refused to fix it, his own natural conscience kicked about a minute before it was too late but needless to say that Goyle had spent a lot of time in the med wing as a result. It had not been a formal duel to say the least, Severus had simply hexed him, sharp and to the point. But then were it an actual duel pretty much the same would have happened, he had simply dispensed with formalities.

That Othello had kept Severus in line was something not far short of miraculous. The thing was that Severus wanted, needed, someone or something to. He was fighting a losing battle to keep his own sense of identity. To take a life was a terrible thing that affected the soul badly, especially when it was not cold blooded murder, and Severus was being torn apart from the inside, this was a job too big for one owl, even one with as strong a personality as Othello had. Truth be told, Othello was going to go to Lily or Eileen sooner or later with a note or no.

Severus had had a lot to do with the hand he had been dealt and he was suffering for it. It was like someone having palmed a card and finding it to be useless at the hand that he switched it in on. He could not truly become a Death Eater, not without significantly changing, because however mangled his heart was, it was a good one that should never have been dragged onto this path. He could not get out, he had seen what had happened to people who had disobeyed the Dark Lord, the only way was one that he could not at this time see, to work from the inside. As broken as he was, that was something that he certainly was not up to at this very moment in time. To want to be accepted was an understandable wish, but Severus had thrown away the two who truly accepted and understood him for the acceptance of a larger body that simply found him useful. Severus had not truly known how long Othello had been away, not how long Lily had been, how long he had cried or anything of that nature. He had already started to lose the visual signs of the raging emotions he was being almost drowned by, but they were almost as clear to see. He had wound up in Lily’s old room not just because that was where they had spent time together but because he could see the park. He could also see the direction his family home was in, and he looked towards it now and again, an almost lost look about him. He had always been protective of Lily, it was something that had never changed and he seriously would have hexed Petunia if Lily had not stopped him. He would not have hurt her as seriously as he had Goyle, but he would certainly have made things uncomfortable for her.

Severus had felt the additional ward added and it had calmed him, just a little, knowing that no one else was getting in. He had done what he could, using charms that he and Lily had made themselves, but he was not in the state to make it completely secure. The last thing that he wanted to do in any frame of mind was to bring violence upon this home, it was one of the few places that had been sacred to him. He didn’t know just how he felt now that Lily was there, there was a stirring, like the part that he had buried deep had poked its head out for just a moment and then hid itself once more. He couldn’t really answer Lily saying well yes, she could see what he hadn’t been doing to himself. While it was not quite true that all he needed was eight hours and a good meal, it was certain that it would be a start and two things that his body had been doing without an abundance of for a while. He felt a flicker of shame that Lily was crying for him, akin to what he felt when he had realised how numb she had become in her final year at school. He did try to bring himself under control, and he had been trying, but he was simply not able to be who he knew he should be right now.

Placing his had on hers had been a reflex, a half forgotten instinct that came from somewhere he could not quite remember. He was confused, the affection and intimacy had been lost to him for such a long while, and then what was left of him had hidden, leaving him almost a shell. It was not lost, or irretrievable, but it was hurting, and it was sleeping, to protect itself from the guilt, the self recrimination, the corrosive element of the path he had taken. Severus had not meant harm with his wand, he had not been quite sure just what he was doing but he knew that harm wasn’t part of it, or harm to Lily in any case. He was a little shaky on the whole harm to himself issue and if that would really matter at this point. The fairy light held his attention for a moment as he seemed lost in thought, “Yes, the wand chooses the wizard.” He did not say ‘silly wand’ but it was quite possibly on the tip of his tongue. His fingers had not resisted Lily plucking his wand from them, though the brush of her fingers on his again made something shift within him, unbalanced him as half buried memories surfaced but for a moment before they were again lost to the murky depths. His jaw tightened and he nodded just a fraction when she said that people in a panic ran into danger more often than away from it. The haunted look behind his eyes would be evidence enough that he had relived it, in waking moment and sleeping. Saying that we all made mistakes would have been understating it. A mistake was putting the wrong root into a potion, or even what he had done to Lily. His actions had cost a life.

Severus had never really been an expressive person, but when he had let his feelings show his eyes had always been the place to look, it was where he let the barrier down for just that moment. But that barrier had pretty much been torn down with no will of his own, taking many of his safeguards upon himself with it. The endearment caused him to blink, to open his mouth and close it with words having not been spoken, and when she moved into him, he had shied away, just half a step, and even when she had her arms around him, for a long moment he had simply not responded. Hesitantly, he brought an arm up to hold her, loosely around her waist, though it lacked any sort of conviction. He could not argue that the attack had been his, it had been something he had not been able to deny even to himself. Being close to his mother and not being able to face her hurt, one of two people who actually gave a damn and he could not see her. It wasn’t a two minute walk to the house he had grown up in from here. Could have was the past, he could not think about that, about his own actions, how things might have been different. Quite frankly he was torturing himself enough without that.

The scowl softened as Lily caught his jaw, though it was obvious that he was far from at peace with himself. His head twitched into a nod as Lily said that she did not believe his reaction to what he had done to be that of a cold blooded killer, but he sighed as she said they were not the actions of a Death Eater, his voice a whisper, “No way out.” The undercurrent of desperation in even a whisper would make it clear what he meant. He was not making excuses, but he had seen first had what had happened to those who had second thoughts about the path they had taken. The arm that had been loosely around Lily fell away without resistance, though the hand pushed away the panic that he suddenly felt at the loss of that contact. He looked pained as Lily said that she loved that little boy that had spoken to her, about everything and nothing, “He loved you.” Severus still did, but it was hard to put anything into words, even if with the touches, the soft words, the part of him that was broken dared to stir, if just briefly. He was passive as Lily pulled him towards the mirror. He would have accepted about anything at that moment, the mix of emotions still there but at least not as violent, as almost bipolar as they had been.

The light brought out in greater detail just what had come about by Severus’ self-neglect. Skin clung to the bones of his cheeks, jaws and arms, the pale skin was sharply contrasted by the bags under his eyes, a raw red breaking the almost deathly pallor. As her face appeared in the mirror, it didn’t matter what state it was in, it was still the most beautiful thing that he had seen in the past three years and more. He looked at himself, reluctantly though when his gaze held his reflection it did not waver. He shook his head as Lily asked if he saw a killer, one who held no regard for the life of another. Before he could think of that, he felt anger stir, and a trace of his fierce protectiveness for Lily and, he realised, his mother, as the words mudblood and blood traitor were spoken, though the words that followed were a strange mix of blows and support, of shame in what he had allowed himself to become and memories, painful and good, of just what those words signified. Tears brimmed in his own eyes, a single one escaping to leave a trail of brine down his cheek. As Lily fell silent, so was he for a long moment before he sighed, still looking into his own eyes, “I see that boy, Lily, that man, but I am losing him.” It had been the most together he had sounded since she had walked in, for a long time, though there was still an ache behind his words, “I don’t know if I can keep him by myself, he’s…hurt.” His jaw tightened, “And I know quite well they will not stop with muggles.” It would not register for a good while that he had said ‘they’ not ‘we’, that he had more or less chosen his path from that point on in that one word. He had been with them for three years, but at the core he was still the man that had seriously injured one of them for daring to think of harming Lily, the same man that had very nearly killed him over it. His eyes flickered from the mirror to the window, this time a sense of longing behind them, but also one of resignation, knowing that he was not and could not right now be where he wanted to be, because he wasn’t in a state to be. Also he knew quite well that whatever path he chose, it was ok choosing it but part of that resignation came from the fact that there was simply no way out of the Death Eaters, and that choosing a path, if he had done so, was all very well and good, but that was a huge roadblock that stole the view of anything behind it.

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[/color] ![/b] Four thousand one hundred and five
tag ! Lily
song ! Bleeding Love – Leona Lewis
[green]notes[/green] ! Ok, this one is looooong >.<
other ! One big crazy emotional rollercoaster
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[Lily Ann Evans-Potter]

But nothings greater than the rush,

[/COLOR][/FONT]
- - - - - - - THAT COMES WITH YOUR EMBRACE.[/size][/color]
AND IN THIS WORLD OF LONELINESS I SEE YOUR FACE
yet everyone around me thinks I'm going crazy...[/COLOR][/FONT]

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She had never really taken anything Severus said to her to heart when they had been out in the rain. She had more often than not caught him by the hand and flashed him a smile and tugged him with her to splash in puddles. Oh, her mother would fuss but her mother also understood that Lily and Severus were still young children and that things like that appealed to them. Rose would scold them about there state of being and inform them they should be more careful they could both catch a terrible colds. Lily had suffered through it because she knew he was right there with her through it. Than her mother would give them something warm to drink. Rose had never made the comment about his parents being worried not wanting to bring up bad feelings. Mostly because the adults knew more of what was going on than the children or so they thought. Petunia liked to listen in to conversation, and Lily talked to the little boy involved. It often turned into curling up near the fire reading fairy tales, as they became older it became Shakespeare.Lily could only wish something good would happen for Severus, and Eileen had told her one of the few times they got to talk alone. That she was one of the good things that had happened to Severus. She hadn't known how to answer that and had been quiet embaressed and a touch bashful about it. Since the more she stayed around them the more obvious it was at least to Eileen that they were sweethearts. Even if they didn't give heed to such things. Just the way they leaned close and would whisper, as though they had secrets no one else could ever know. Now they did. It would seem.

Lily had known that he had been close with only a few of his House mates but none of them reguardless of what they might have thought were potentiual matches. Still it could be said if she haunted him, had he not also haunted her ? which was odd as neither of them was dead just not speaking. The red haired witch had been in love with him. She had shown it in the only way she could. Much in the same manner he himself had showed his affections for her. Had they actually been able to talk to one another they would have patched up things, that could have been a given. It wouldn't do with the agenda of the Death Eaters though to loose there Dark Wizard. He was after all his mother's son. Severus had a mean streak but Lily, her's wasn't mean and didn't often show itself hers was a vendictive streak and it was there along with the rest of sleeping lioness. Making her both a hunter and hunted, still that was how it was and people who crossed her. Didn't soon do so again.Lily had known that Goyle was in the Hospital wing because Crabbe was more glum than normal but no one said why but she did notice that the boy gave Severus a wider space. After than incident if Goyle gave her mean looks it was where Severus didn't see or when he thought he could, he avoided her otherwise. There was no way his letter would have brought with it anger or harsh words from her no matter what they were or would be to each other, there was that bond between them. That love that held through it all. Otherwise she'd not have been able to address him as beloved and mean it.The word had been as heart spoken as any advice she had ever given, or ever would give. Lily was a woman of heart she thought and acted with it. She didn't know what to think it had been a jumble of his words. Wanting her but somehow trying to say good bye. This was why Lily had been so rushed in getting there. She honestly feared in his state of mind he might do something bad, she didn't label the bad with a meaning it encompassed far to much she refused to think on. If he thought she'd so easily allow him to say good bye and go into the gentle night. Well he had another thing coming the girl he loved had been revolted by that idea and that just made Lily want to shake him. Ask him what the hell he thought he was trying to do. Calling her there just to leave her again. Hadn't they made childish promises of Always, that somewhere in her heart she still held to ? That he was so repulsed by his own actions told Lily so much clearer than anything that he wasn't lost to the darkness. That there was still hope for him. It was something he would have to come to terms with or it would eat him inside out, but there would be time for that if she could talk some sense into him, and barring that knock some sense into him. Lily had never been heavy handed and she'd never been the type to be physically aggressive, but when push comes to shove...you react.

She had also heard about the whole incident with Goyle through some of her Slytherin friends. The Death Eater's might have had a grip on the House yes. Lily still had friends in there and she was there Head of House's favorite student. So that counted for something. Had she thought about it she could have gone to Slughorn and gotten time alone with Severus, but she had been so frozen after the whole fall it. It felt like he'd chose his side when so long the two of them had been for each other. She had just withdrawn and gone into herself. Lily couldn't help herself, she couldn't help but feel broken, rather than show it to the outside world she became numb to it. Go about routine and wait for it to be done. Either heal and thaw..or the alternative go about as she was. She was still capable after all, she was quiet capable and more than able to fling devestating curses in her condition. Not that she remembered alot now, that time was a bit fuzzy. Still they managed to keep her away from them. Yes it was probly good that what Crabbe had said to her had been between her and Crabbe.Lily had gotten along with Narcissa because she was pretty and because Narcissa could stand to be around her when not around Bellatrix who was in a word. Psycho. Lily had seen her curse first years for the sheer fun of it. Since she had nothing better to do. Lily didn't think that was any way to be with the future of the wizarding world. Than again Bella had been out of school well before her anyways. She had been wise to avoid the woman being a muggle born and all. Not that she wasn't sure her shields would hold. Little short of a chargning Minotaur had gotten through them. Twila was another she knew of through Severus, since that had discussed most things unknown to anyone else. She'd never felt threatend by the older girl, because she knew where Severus's heart was and she was out of school before them anyways.

Had Lily cared about what other's thought she would have likely hexed them. However, what she had shared with him had been deeper than anything she'd known since. It was intense without meaning to be so. They had been truly and completely wrapped up together. It had been a devastating thing to suddenly be over. That one word had caused her world to crumble around her. Yes she could love him, she was in love with him. There was a difference she hadn't recognized before she'd grown up. She'd been popular yes, but she'd only really had Severus for a companion, she didn't need other boys. It had gotten him more grief than it should have, people should have respected that, but they were all children, even if there relationship bordered on something far more adult for there years. Lily still hadn't agreed to go out with Potter until almost the end of seventh year. That was only because he was headboy and they were required to attend certain functions together. He wasn't so bad with Severus not there to torment, though there was still a part of her that blamed James it faded over time, but there would always be a touch of resentment in her for what he did. What she and Severus had developed over time a childhood of shared secrets, a youth of understanding each other, they were friends, always sweethearts, and lovers and than they had fallen apart. She supposed that was the problem with such strong passion, it had to be tempered by something. She knew flirting with him didn't work well, she knew that he was solitary by nature, she alone had managed to get him to go to a Yule Ball with her. Through nothing short of being very Slytherin about it. Threating to buy herself a low cut dress to go in. She suppsoed he felt inclined to defend her so had come with her. Only because it was her. She didn't like playing manipulation games though she knew perfectly well how to. Lily had stayed close to him the whole ball. Making sure to get pictures for both there parents, since the chance of getting him to another ball was going to be slim. Still lily had kept in touch with Eileen it seemed wrong not too. She had never gone into detail about what had happened, and had cried on the older woman's lap over the loss because it had hurt her more than she'd admit. It was part of what helped her to start to thaw out. Harry was what had melted her completely. Now she was all emotions and sensitive to Severus plight more than anything. Even though she couldn't talk to him directly, she still would defend him when he was right without making eye contact . So when he'd gotten in trouble in there last year of DADA's Lily had been the one to answer the questions. The Professor had given Severus detention but not her. She was fairly certain Sev had detention until they graduated.Though he was utterly right, he could have taught the class better than the teacher.

It was always harder to understand when you were directly involved and Lily had done her best to explain for Eileen with out defending her to Severus. Over all she was on his side as he well knew.Wizards often spoke of bonds that went well beyond death and while it was something mystical they shared that she suspected. Lily had been intrigued by the little boy, never mind his odd style of dress. She never mentioned it, and when things were bad for him at home, Lily being the future Gryffindor she was going to be. Would find something anything to distract him. They would explore the area, as she had once done with Tuney who seemed to grow less and less enchanted with her sister and the strange little boy from Spinners End. Her mother had always defended there friendship telling Petunia you liked who you liked, and she was sad when she said that. Seemed she married someone her father hadn't approved of. While they had a fair life now it wasn't always so. Lily loved both her parents though and she shared them with Severus as best she could. Lily had even made him a copy of her house key for a [i[just in case[/i] situation. Like he was locked out of his house during a storm. Her mother knew she always suspected. Since her mother had a habit of leaving a blanket and pillow in the hall closet after the first time he'd needed to sleep over. Neither of her parents would turn a child out into the weather. Lily had to force herself to move on, they wouldn't let her around him and he stopped visiting Eileen and so she feared he was truly lost to her. Than she'd gotten chewed out by Eileen when she'd gotten married so suddenly about taking the same route she had. Now stuck in her small bedroom with its view of the park. It was like being a girl again and Lily couldn't help but want to reach out to him, to want to love him and take care of him as she always had as a girl. There was no way Lily was going to allow him out of that room short of him hexing her. Seeing as she had his wand that would be a touch hard and the fact it was her, harder still.

The fact there was only one spell Lily knew that could do the damage that had been done to the towering boy told Lily more than enough. She was a bright witch after all. It was why Lily had always tried to keep him away from that life. She knew he was good enough in the Dark Arts to be needed but his heart wasn't dark. His desire to know things came from a place deep inside that thristed for knowledge, that wanted to be a powerful wizard. If he had only realized he didn't need to impress a girl who was already vastly impressed with him. he'd have been better off but it hadn't come to her attention he was trying they were a close couple, and they always had been. His own insecurities had led him to that. Lily was well aware how much a terror Severus could be with his spells, and especially in a duel.

Lily had formally met Othello when Eileen had gotten him and he'd given her a look over as though weighting who she was and where she belong in his thoughts. Lily had petted him lightly it was odd she had to admit to be sized up by an owl of all things. She hadn't dropped it's gaze, she knew amusement was clear in her own. Mainly because there was no way being looked at like that was anything like being looked at like that when she was with Sev. So she just smiled through it like she had done with Sev. If he had shown up to her with out a note, it would have been alot worse since there would have been more fear for him than anything else. Yes, Lily would have gone into danger without a thought, she was that type a person. It was the surest way to get her in trouble. Still her heart and a good dose of luck, that came from what ever watched over witches like her kept her alive and still going as she was still in one piece to attempt to put Severus back together again.

The one thing about the two people who felt he had wronged was love was unconditional for them. She would forgive him that, if she could forgive the mudblood comment she could forgive him the path he went she knew why he choose it. It was a wound to think she wasn't enough at the time for him. Though now she understood to more detail he had done it to impress her. Lily didn't want to be impressed she was happy with the boy he had been. Her firece defender, her silent companion , her love and her best friend. She couldn't say how many Gryffindor's would have had the bravery to bespell a minotaur or fuss out a Head of House when it could have gotten him even deeper in trouble. It was the fact that Severus would have hexed Petunia if he knew how aweful it had been for her at home with her the last few years of school because Petunia was the older sister. Lily had done her best to stay friends with her sister but Tuney had only wanted her out of her life it seemed. So Lily had given her the out and allowed her to go. She had simply stopped trying to reach her.It was Lily's thoughts on the subject that Petunia was already uncomfortable not being a witch, and not being good at something. Since it had made her the center of her parents attention being a witch. Lily had felt bad she'd even tried to get Dumbledore to accept Tuney, but he had said she was just not a witch.

It had come second nature to her to simply toss up more protections for them. She also knew it would allow her to know when and who approached the house. She had been dabbling with ancient magics of late. She was researching them without telling anyone else she was. She had Harry to tend to and James was still and Auror which left her home alone often.Severus needed eight hours of sleep a good meal a hot bath to lounge in and to come with her to his mothers. In Lily's opinion.She would have scolded him for feeling shame for her tears. They were her's to cry for who ever she felt to cry for. His whole condition worried her. She had saw a flicker in his eyes of her Prince but he was hiding. She knew that he needed her even if he couldn't tell her that. Harry was safe with her parents under any case there house had been as enchanted as this one. She refused to allow her life, cost her the life of her parents. Just because she'd been frozen in school was also no reason to feel blame. If so he may as well have laid blame on her for running from him, for not speaking her most of all for marrying James.

Lily still saw the boy he had been when she looked at him that touch alone said he was there, it was what he would have done in the park when she asked him if it was bad at home again. The red haired witch hurt inside more than outside and there was also a burning anger growing in her. Lily stiffled her anger though she would make sure the next time she was at work and crossed a death eater, they would regret it severely if they lived to do so. She wasn't above throwing the unforgiveables. She was just more controled. Oh the rage she felt was something that wasn't as controllable especially given her lioness under the doe nature.There was no way she was going to allow him to hurt himself either, she had his wand and he wouldn't soon be getting it back until she felt he was safe enough to not do harm to himself with it. She couldn't loose him not like that. She had already lost him once to the darkness, but at least she knew he was alive somewhere. If he died...Lily wasn't sure what it would do to her. Her fairy light was a simple alteration of the blue bell spell, it didn't cause damage but was in the shape of a fairy. "There is nothing I can say that will make the action taken better Sev, but there are things you can do to make a difference." she whispered softly it was all she was going to say on the subject. She knew what sports the Death Eater's had, and would have surely fallen as one of there targets, the Dark lord had tried to kill her what three times now. She gave up counting. Still she knew for a fact Severus had never been among the one's sent after her, wisely too she would wager.

Even without him being a expressive person she understood him well enough, knew things, knew how to read him better than an spell or ability could. She could see that he was hurt and she wanted to sooth it. Before she would have done the excact same thing she did than. The word the endearment had been spoken softly and was meant. She couldn't deny truth to herself, and she lied terribly to Severus too. He opened his mouth and closed it she didn't expect a word on the subject. She didn't expect him to know what to say to it. Still her arms went around him when he shyed away from her. She tightend her grip on him and whispered a soft "Don't hide from me Sev." she leaned into him and winced mentally he was a thin man, and he was thinner still she could tell that close leaned into him. Even without his arms around her like he normally would have done had she gotten this close to him. Lily sniffled lightly her poor Prince. His arm came around her and she almost drew away from him at that. It was almost wounding to have him like this. She'd have taken the name mudblood]/i] ten times over to what she felt or rather what she didn't feel from him. Still Lily leaned her head against his chest, she worried he didn't have the strength to support them both another thing to worry her. At least a loose hold was better than none at all. She wasn't capable of reading his mind. His body on the other hand wasn't as big a mystery. He really did need a rest, and feeding too.

She was use to his scowls his looks and she knew how to weather them with a smile, even now though it was a strained and worried one. When he nodded she gave a sound of agreement but quickly shook her head at his comment. "There is always a way out, the question is...are you willing to take the chance, are you willing to let me help you ?" she asked her tone strained.She was already working things out in her head. Oh there were always ways though in any case it was damning the long path or the short, it just pended on what form of transportation you took to get there. She could protect him but he'd have to leave and never come back and that would be a death sentence too taking him from the two people who he loved. Tears spilled again when he said that he loved her too. "Yes, I know and love binds you to me more firmly than any hold they may have on, Severus." her words low. "I should have never stopped taking care of you." she blamed herself partly for this but she wouldn't say as much when he was in that condition.She did keep physical contact with him as she pulled him along with her. She was likely stronger than him at the moment which was saying alot as she had only had Harry a few weeks ago. Her own endurance wasn't the best at the moment.Lily would have trusted him no matter the condition he was in. She didn't think he'd ever harm her willingly.She wouldn't hurt him willingly it was safe to say. They'd already hurt each other in the one way they could. They needed to move beyond that.

Her arms slipped back around his waist and she leaned into him she wasn't sure she was feeling all that well herself. Her own reflection showed a woman who took on too much on other's account and never enough for her. With her fellow sister all with small children, they didn't have time to take care of her. Lily was always doing something. When the tear slipped Lily leaned foward and brushed her lips across it. Halting it in its track. She saw the light flash in his dark eyes, and it wasn't the storm outside the window no it was that surge of protectiveness he held for her. For his mother whom was often there and lonely who Lily visited and brought company to , flowers, meals and cookies. She knew Eileen thought of her as a daughter and had always thought they would be married not her and Potter. Lily knew perfectly well that Eileen would love him no matter what he did, because she had to do what she had to do for him and he loved her still. "I won't let him go so easily." her words soft a promise. "I will protect you until you are better, and we will find a way." she added as she gave him a gentle squeeze. "Yes were both hurt, but if we try we can both heal you know." she said. "I won't leave you alone like this again...I won't allow this to happen to you again." she meant his condition. "Only you, can choose what path you take from here, I can only offer you a path that will diverge from the one your on...I can't get you out completely without alot of death." she shook her head. She wasn't going to lie to him. "Right now, paths and people be damned you need tending."He gave her hope when he said they not we more than he knew and she nodded her head to that. 'Thats right , them not us."she absently motioned to the light switch and it flickered off. Lily left the mirror where it was. "There may be a way..I have an idea but I need to sleep on it." she murmured "I am fairly sure you do too." she added. Glancing around the room that was so familiar to her. She didn't want to break contact with him, didn't want to release him again but she needed to move about. hr figners went to the clasp of his cloak and undid it. Helping him from it she drapped it over her arm. Than set on the buttons to his outer coat. She knew well enough how to undress him even after years it was only natural. Not embaressing nor shameful that she was married. There was no amourous intent behind it just making him comfortable. She drapped his jacket and cloak over her chair. "I am going to get you something." she said softly."So you rest for a little bit its no where near the strength of a normal sleeping potions..but it will hopefully help. I use it when I can't sleep and I well..sleeps been next to impossiable for me lately." she admitted. Opening her desk drawer she pulled out a small china cup, and slipped into the tiny bath room that had once been shared by her and Tuney. She returned with a cup of hot water dropping the Earl Gray into it and pointing her wand at it to make it boil. 'You should get comfortable, I will stay here with you.I won't leave." it seemed important that in his condition he understood she wasn't going to abandon him.

"I think you could do with a meal too after some sleep, and than we can talk about what we are going to do. As you have certainly pulled me into this with you. It is our issue now." she said as she placed her cloak on the seat of the chair and slipped from her boots. Her scatchal settled on the dresser itself. She removed one of the vials from her bag.A small crystaline one with a pale green liquid which she allowed two drops of into the tea. She also held her journal in her other hand and a quill. She settled herself onto the bed next to him placing the cup in both his hands. 'This is your own formula, so it should work well." she murmured quietly. "Valerian, Asphodel Root, Cowslip and honey for flavoring." she said with a dip of her head to it. "And..I have a charm for the nightmares.." she added. "So do myself and Othello a favor and rest here with me, I won't let anything get you. Nightmares or otherwise." she said scooting back on the bed to the opposite side. She fully intended to write a note to his mother once he was asleep and send it via Othello. She just wanted him resting before she sent the bird out. She knew Othello would do her bidding since she was more there than Severus was.

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[/i][/color] Severus
HOWMANYWORDS ! 5119
WEARINGTHIS ! Flowing dress with flower pattern and granny boots. Travelers Cloak.
WHEREAREWE !Hogwarts Front Lawn
LISTENINGTO ! Collide Howie Day
NOTES ! Like I said long O.o
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[Severus Snape]

I'll make it pretty tomorrow.


Severus had never really thought that Lily would take any thought to what he said regarding the rain, she was a water child very much like her namesake. Of course if she were going to get soaked then he was not going to allow her to do it alone and he would return Lily’s smile and hardly need dragging into the puddles. He had just felt that it should be said, perhaps if only for the fact that they have acknowledged just what they are doing and the scolding they run the risk of getting from their parents if not the risk of cold. Of course, Severus would be with Lily for any scolding they would get and he would take it without complaint, perhaps realising on some level that Rose was treating him as her own, or at least was someone other than Lily that showed concern for him. That Rose never mentioned his parents and how worried they may be was not lost on Severus, though he could not say that he altogether minded not having to talk or think about them, his father certainly, for half an hour or so. Lily was his confidante, even at that young age, and whenever he had seen Petunia, he had tried to take the conversation elsewhere where he could, there were some things he wanted to be sure only Lily heard. Reading was a form of escapism in a way, it was a door to a different world, someone else’s life, and stories, whether fairy tales or Shakespeare, were always something that he and Lily could discuss between them, in the case of the latter it would be almost a code, or shared defiance, around pure blooded students. Lily had made Severus happy, she had possibly been on the receiving end of most smiles that had touched his lips in those early years. He did not think of them as sweethearts, neither of them really thought about it, but she was indeed one of the good things that had happened in his life and he was as able to share her confidences as he was able to share his with her, or just to talk. He valued the time he was able to spend with his mother on some level and would stay in most of the times when things were well, but Lily had become the only person he would leave the house for just with the intention of seeing her.

Severus was never really going to be close with many of his Housemates, and while he didn’t think about quantifying his relationship with Lily, it was more than certain that there would be no relationship of any romantic sort with any girl in his House, he did not feel easy around them in the way he would come to realise he would only feel around Lily. He had gone out of his way not to be dragged to the Yule Ball in the seventh year, he had managed to get himself detention. With the Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor. Severus actually had detention very nearly the entire year after his spat with Lily, he preferred it to being dragged to this function and that. He had gone all out for getting one over the Yule Ball though and had very nearly been expelled, asking the Professor when he could be packed when he made the mistake of asking Severus if he would like to teach the class, informing him that his defences would get him killed in any true confrontation, thusly making what could be seen as a veiled threat, and displaying a sense of mild surprise that the Professor had passed his OWL, let alone be in the position of tutoring NEWT students. It was simple, whatever the state he and Lily were in, he was going to be sure that she was the only one that had been able to get him to the Ball, he did not want some silly little girl hanging off his arm for the night. He did indirectly teach the class, and quite possibly got a few of them through their NEWT, with his behaviour and showing up the Professor, he pointed those he could not be seen to help onto the topics they should be researching. It was a certain thing that he and Lily could have patched things up had they actually time to, but after their argument the Death Eaters had well and truly got their hooks into him. Eileen had been a Dark Witch, and a prodigious potion mistress, they were not going to lose her son who had shown more than once that he had a vicious streak when pushed to it. Goyle had received little sympathy from his peers, they had all been instructed to be careful about Severus, that he was not truly theirs yet. That he had been in a relationship with Lily showed that he had loved her, for he had never and would never date someone that he had no feelings for just to get a date. Goyle had pushed his luck around him and had very much paid the price, leaving others to clean up after him and limit the damage that had been done. Goyle had not been the most popular person in that circle for a good while and Severus certainly wasn’t Goyle’s favourite peer. Goyle knew that Severus would quite happily hex him again though and Severus could strike as quickly and viciously as the serpent that made up their House logo. Severus did not know that he should have sent the letter to Lily, he hadn’t known if she would read it or of things were just too broken between them. He certainly hadn’t wanted to bring her here only to say goodbye again, in part it was a cry for help if she would listen to it. Somewhere he remembered their childish promises of always, of forever, and that may have been part of the reason he had sent her an owl and waited there for her, had not been able to leave to do what he soon might have without her, a small part of him had to give them both the chance to honour that promise.

Severus was as guilty as Lily in not thinking of the obvious and enlisting Slughorn’s help in bringing them together for just the time they needed to patch things up. He had been almost shellshocked and had been moving wherever things were taking him. He had lost to some degree part of what made him fight to assert himself and had simply followed. He had tried himself, but he could not think to ask for the help of another, nor could he have really thought to trust anyone. He could not have chosen any side but hers, but it had felt like he had lost the chance to, that with that argument a line had been drawn in the sand. He was heartbroken, and had known that he had broken her heart, and had been unable to think of what to do for it. Narcissa had been pretty and Twila had shared a passion with Severus for potions, but there was simply never going to be someone outside of Lily, there was also something that nagged at Severus about them, he knew that at least one of them were capable of not so nice things and the conversations about blood always struck him as wrong. He had often been seen as agreeing through offering no protest, though he had offered no words of support either. Severus was not one to get scared, but Bellatrix scared him. She was unpredictable, violent and could be very, very cruel with it. Severus could well have seen her chopping bits of a minotaur off bit by bit just to see if she could, he had always had a line, one that she did not share.

What Severus and Lily had shared had been all the more intense for the fact that it was natural. Anyone could force a feeling of love for another, and over time they would accept it. Anyone could push a relationship to advance further than it was or could ever be ready for. But Severus and Lily’s relationship had not been one that had been pushed, but one that could not be denied. Severus had been passionate in his defence of Lily whenever the need had arisen, and even when they had hurt each other so badly, it was never going to be something that he would leave behind. Their bond was strong enough that even severed and frayed it could not be completely broken. It could be said that one did not know what they had until it had been lost, even in that time with the Death Eaters in and past school, Severus thought of Lily. He knew that she had married, but that, however it had been told to him and however coldly he took the news on the outside, would not stop him from caring. That Lily had been able to get him to the Yule Ball had been little short of miraculous, and Slytherin. Apparently she had told James that she would rather date the squid, but the squid was washing his hair and Lily was going to buy a low cut dress that was only going to buy her trouble if she went alone. So Severus had had to go with her if only to protect her, and when his mother had heard, she had sent him an owl wishing him luck and telling him to at least try to pretend to have fun and he might just have some by accident. Severus had been glad to stay close to Lily, it had been the first time that he had been to something like the Yule Ball and part of him had wondered how lost he could get among this crowd, it was not a pleasant thought. Though he did manage to smile and the camera actually caught it in one of the pictures, which along with the photograph he had sent to Lily he had strongly denied the existence of. That photograph was on the mantelpiece at home all the same. If he had known, he would have been grateful that Lily had not stopped visiting Eileen, that his mother still had someone to talk to, to be with. That was something that he could not express right now and would likely never know quite how to put into words. He had carried on sniping at the DADA Professor, as well as digging at him, the class had simply needed to know what they should be researching and he had been as useless as any other Professor that had taken the role, except possibly the one they had in their OWL year who Severus had been given a detention for giving boils to in a duel.

Severus had not minded Lily trying to explain for Eileen as such, he just simply couldn’t see it. He had been too involved and feeling too wounded by it all to. He knew that Lily was on his side, they had both been on each other’s and each would quite happily have fought the world for and with each other. Severus was not the type of wizard that would believe in soulmates as a rule, he was one of logic and fact, but In this case it was not deniable, it was a simple truth. Severus had smiled at Lily’s attempts to distract him, sometimes they had even worked, but often something that had sent him seeking sanctuary within the last couple hours had been nagging at the back of his mind. Still, he tried, and she tried, he loved her for it. He loved the walks, and had even dressed up as a fey when she had dressed as a pixie one summer, blooming flowers along the path they were walking between them. He liked reading Shakespeare also, and in terms of that he didn’t mind the gender of the character he read, if they had lines that flowed off the tongue, as much as he had spoken Juliet to Lily’s Romeo, he had recited quicksilver tongued Beatrice to her Benedick, and vice versa in both and all cases. Severus had loved Lily’s parents as much as one who was not theirs could, because they treated him like theirs. Still he hadn’t liked to impose, he had appreciated that Lily gave him a key. But it had taken a storm and the prospect of sleeping in it before he had first used it, winding up sleeping in the front room and slipping away at dawn. The next time he had found a pillow and blanket in the cupboard and curled up with them, the day after he went to the shop for a box of chocolate to leave on the kitchen counter as a thank you. He didn’t leave a note, other than For Mrs. Evans, he figured Rose would know why they were there. It had stripped away bits of him, piece by piece, not being able to even see Lily, nor his mother, he missed Eileen more than he had ever thought he could, it hurt as much as the day that started this whole mess off. He had had to go on as best as he could, he had to survive and that was the crux of it, he wasn’t living, he was fighting a battle to stay alive and keep some small piece of himself, to stay alive on two fronts, in terms of his body and who would call it home. It was a battle he was always losing bit by bit, and he was getting…tired.

Severus had taught Lily that spell, and how to reverse its effects. That Goyle had taken that spell and lived was doubly an indication that Severus himself had been responsible as, if anything, the healing was more difficult and was not perfect, cursed scars would never truly fade as James’ cheek showed all too well. What had happened to Goyle, though, had not been that precise cut. It had opened Goyle up, Severus had held onto a shred of control through sheer instinct alone. Still, Goyle had had no sympathy, in fact the Death Eaters had been mad at him, not Severus, Lily being hurt would have been all it would have taken for him to force himself back by her side and the more mature among them knew that well enough. Severus had understood far too that Lily’s warnings over the group were serious, that as bad as things were for his mother it could have been worse had she not made the choice she had. To a degree, he had known that Lily was impressed with him, but there had always been that nagging voice. Their passions were strong, but there was always a what if, there was always a feeling that she had been with him because he had been a little boy who had been upset. Perhaps their passions were too strong, they burned at themselves and at Severus and Lily, flaring in a supernova spark before dimming, but like the dwarf star such a supernova left, never quite blinking out. Severus was mean in a duel. He did not play with his opponent, he did not let them throw a few spells, nor did he throw a a weak one. Every hex he threw was meant to end the battle in one hit, and when his ire was raised it only took that one.

Othello had always thought a lot of himself to some degree, but he was courteous, he bowed regally, and he would let someone know if they were not worth his time in a subtly veiled way, a ruffle of his feathers, a clack of his beak. He was affectionate though, or he had been to Severus, and Eileen who Sev had taken to writing more often when he and Othello more or less belonged to each other. Lily had always been the one that Othello had gone to when Severus was in trouble or wasn’t looking after himself, though he hadn’t been in a good while, Severus had needed looking after. Severus was broken, but the pieces were all there, if some of them needed looking for, like one jigsaw piece underneath many others.

Severus should have well known that love was unconditional, should have. He had felt it from his mother, if not all the time, he had felt stirrings of it from Lily as she had defended him in DADA as indirectly as he had taught her and the others. But he had been in an environment where there was no forgiveness, where the slightest error...he shuddered at the thought. He could not see past that shroud, the terrors that haunted him, to see that the two would want nothing more for him than to come back to them. That he might have certainly got a scolding, and deserved one, but that what they had felt for him, like what he still felt for them, could not be simply turned off. He should not have had need to impress Lily, but he did not see the confidence in himself that Lily might have in him when he stood up to a minotaur for her, when he faced down a Head of House in defence of her. He had not been thinking during those times and it had simply never truly registered. They were in the moment actions, that was true enough, but they had a double sided quality to them, he had thought too much on what he shouldn’t and had not thought about what should simply have been in front of his face.

Severus had let himself into this home just as he had in old times, during the storms. He felt safe here, it was where he had simply needed to be. As much as a small part of him needed to allow he and Lily the chance to honour their promise of always, the home called to the lost little boy that was hiding away, dragging him here and there through some unfathomable instinct. On some level, he noticed that there was something…like nothing he had ever felt in magic before in the wards that Lily had tossed up, they were quiet, but with a presence, like the pebble in the rock garden, small but every bit as powerful, more so for not needing to jump up and down to say they were. It wasn’t so much that he thought fit to tell Lily who and what to cry for, he just could not understand that the tears were being shed for him, or why they should be. He had grown so disgusted with himself that he felt contemptible, that he was past that. As much as this was a sign that he was not lost to the path he had found himself on, it was also corrosive, eroding away any thought that he had for himself. Severus had not slept a solid eight hours, a solid three in a long time. When he was alone, he woke up screaming, only some survival instinct caused him to keep them within when his eyes snapping open by themselves would not give away his state of being. Lily’s Prince was still there, Severus still felt concern for her, still worried about her, he had heard about her escapes from the Dark Lord himself. It wasn’t school though, he could not look after her from where he was, truth be told he couldn’t even look after himself.

At his worst, he had sought the comfort in that touch and in returning it, and he was worse off now, far worse, than he had been then, so that touch was something that burned through the barriers he had placed in front of him, sought a memory that had long been not thought upon and pulled at a reflex that could never truly be forgotten. He was no danger to Lily with his wand or without, and he would not bring himself to force it from her if he should have decided that he wanted it. He didn’t, it had not been for nothing he had been disconcerted when looking at it, the conduit of the murderous energy he had brought about. The fairy fire held his attention for a moment, a little of the child stirring in awe before, skittish, it fled once again. He blinked and looked down, he knew well enough that whatever difference he could or could not make, it was not one that could be made for those who had been touched by his actions, who were no longer around to care whether another killing them had been brought about by his action or lack of, or the life he had directly taken. He did meet her eyes to acknowledge what she said, it was just something he could not put into words at the moment. It certainly was lucky that Severus had not been one who had been sent after Lily, he would have made his stand there, and died, the numbers were always going to be too much for him, if that came to be the case.

The endearment had been unexpected, and it had been a shock that worked its way through his body. It was true that Lily could read him, Severus could never hide anything from her, he could never look into her eyes and lie to her. He was skittish, he didn’t know quite what was going on and he had been torn between the comfort that he had always felt being close to her, half remembered, and the sudden urge to flee. Lily quite made up that decision for him, tightening her grip, asking him not to hide from her. It was the latter that took away his resistance, he would one day call Lily his Princess, it had not been a sudden whim. As worn down as it was, his soul and hers belonged with each other, it was a request that he could not deny. That piece of him was still not quite at the front, but he could still be compelled by it. He swayed as she leaned her head against him, dangerously unsure of his footing for a moment before he regained his composure and held her, used her for support as much as he might try to support her.

There was a look of hope as she said that there was always a way out, but it was guarded. He had seen people die…tortured and die, not because they had tried to leave the Dark Lord’s service, but because they had not been able to perform what he expected of them, they had baulked at murder, they had simply not been as good at hiding it as he. It was a bitter irony that he whose soul screamed no less loudly against what was going on was finding his way into the inner circle. He was silent for a long moment before nodding, “I’ll need to.” He would not be able to do it by himself and live, he still was not quite sure that he wanted to, though the almost wild abandon that had been about him was no longer there. He could not have lived having to go into hiding, he would have withered away no less surely than he had been slowly dying up until now, there was going to be no easy way and that was to be sure. It was true that love bound him more firmly to her than could ever be replicated, it had survived this much, it seemed. He sighed as she said that she should have never stopped looking after him, an edge behind his words that faintly echoed the half stern tone regarding rain and dragging one into tubs, “Because I gave you lots and lots of choice in the matter.” He could not blame her, because that had been true enough. His words and actions had torn that hole, had given the Death Eaters the hold over him. As far back as accepting Lucius’ protection, his help when he was a first year, he had had one foot in the door, one foot in both doors, it was just that when one had slammed shut for just a moment, the other one had opened all the wider to let him in.

Severus was still concerned for Lily, she did not look too good herself, but it was not something that he could do much about. She was looking after him but who was looking after her? She had a family, friends, but she looked like she had not had time to look after herself, nor someone to either do it for her or make her make time. He would fuss her when he was feeling better, there was a slight promise of that behind his eyes, though it was only just now that he was beginning to feel that he wanted to feel better. He was still not in the best place underneath. He was indeed thinner than he could ever have been before, and he was still fighting sleep which he had long needed, for fear of what he knew would haunt him. He simply held her when she stopped the track of that tear. The flash in his eyes was certainly a sign that he was there, that he was trying, trying to take control however largely unsuccessful it still was. Something happening to Lily, to his mother, it didn’t bear thinking about and even in the state he was in he would fight to prevent that if necessary. He glanced again towards the path that he knew led to the house he had grown up in, Lily could assure him all she liked on that score, he would be worried about it until he had been there, until he knew there was nothing to worry about. As Lily said that she would not let that boy he had been go so easily, he nodded, quietly adding, “Then I won’t let go.” He didn’t need to add if he could help it, it was there in his tone, he was still not sure of himself, had never really been, and he knew that he was in for a fight if he was to take some sort of control over his life, he didn’t know if he was strong enough for it. He returned the squeeze, though there was little behind it, he was using all of his strength to ward off sleep, to stay standing and awake. He took what she said over paths in and nodded, “I’ll try.” It was all he could say to it, and a certain little green man in one film would have rapped him for it but that little fuzzy could say that all he liked when he didn’t know the first thing that was going on. He nodded as Lily said them, not us, he still didn’t quite understand the significance of what he had said but it seemed important to her, and he was sure that it would make sense if he were ever not quite so fuzzy headed. Which implied sleep, but still, he went wide eyed when she suggested that he sleep and shook his head, not quite saying nuh uh but coming pretty close. There was a fear behind those eyes and his breathing picked up for just a moment before he brought it back under control. He knew there was no getting away with it, that he would have to accept it, but it was not coming easily to say the least, though he helped her help himself out of his cloak and jacket, though it was lucky she did not seek to undress him further, his arms had folded and he was holding himself to some degree, trying to bring himself under some kind of control, stubborn enough that if he was going to sleep, it was going to be under his own terms. He sighed and nodded as she said that she was going to go and get something, not taking his eyes off the door she had gone through as he backed towards the bed to sit down. It calmed him down a touch when she said that she wasn’t going to leave. He had been half worried that she would if he slept, or that this was a dream to begin with, but she was not going to lie to him, he knew that.

He nodded as Lily said that he could do with a meal, his body had been telling him that for a long time, and that they would talk. He had dragged her into it, it was unfair for him to have done so, but he couldn’t complain now, and wouldn’t. He recognised the liquid before Lily told him what it was, “We made that in our second year, counter stirred after we figured that out with Felix Felicis.” Of course, Lily didn’t need telling that, but talking about potions was familiar, it allowed him the slight security, the feeling of control, or at least that he knew what he was being asked to drink. He took the cup and sipped from it gently, petting Othello. He trusted Lily, he was never not going to. Honey wasn’t simply a flavour, warm, it too aided towards a natural sleep, it was why the potion was not as strong as some, it did not force sleep, it helped the body to relax and bring about the processes that would bring sleep about of its own accord. He visibly calmed down when Lily said that she had a charm for the nightmares, giving more or less definite proof that that was what he had been worrying about. He could feel the potion taking affect and he shuffled in the bed so that he could lie down properly, not thinking to ask why she had writing stuff with her. He could feel the stirrings of sleep beginning to take him over, and he had to force himself not to fight it, not to work against the sleep aids. When it seemed that he was in the delicate state between the point of no return and dropping off altogether, he whispered as his eyes fluttered and then lightly closed, “Thank you.”

[Lily Ann Evans-Potter]

But nothings greater than the rush,

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AND IN THIS WORLD OF LONELINESS I SEE YOUR FACE
yet everyone around me thinks I'm going crazy...[/COLOR][/FONT]

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There was the rain and she would often tell him to stop being so responsiable they weren't adults yet. That was so many years away. Lily was of a mind when she wanted to do something she was going to do it. Consiquences be damned. She had been like that since a baby and water appealed to her. She had even played in the Black Lake under the cover of a Moonless Night .if there was trouble later she'd suffer than, but she might as well enjoy what she was going to get in trouble for later right ? Lily noticed about how Severus seemed to be ashamed but happy to be noticed at the same time when they were caught and when they were scolded. Lily was sad for him that he'd be happy with any attention even negative, it proved how little attention he got at home. Oh she knew why, the adults talked. The one time she'd asked why no one did anything they sent her out to play. She thought it was silly to sit and discuss something and never have anything come of it. So she did what she could, she reach out to him. It would still be years from than that a older Lily would lay a protective enchantment on his mother that would make Tobias think twice about lifting a hand to Eileen, thus it was awhile before mother and son could patch things up at all. Petunia she was still one of Lily's weakness's even now. She felt everything with her heart, and she couldn't help it. Tuney still had the power to make her burst into tears with a harsh word. When she bothered to see her. They had passed in Muggle London before and Tuney had acted like she didn't know her. It had made her burst into tears privately. Of course Lilith was still to young to remember that and had hugged her leg, not sure why her mummy was in tears. Often time Petunia liked to toss back bits and parts of what she might have heard between the two of them at Lily. After awhile she stopped trying to explain. She stopped trying to justify what she was. When she could slip over to Spinners End to spend time with Severus and Eileen she had, like a most slipped along the streets and into his family home. She was not comfortable there with Tobias and would head out the opposite door of any he came in should he get there when she was visiting. Mostly she didn't want to take away his special time with him mother, so invited or not. Still Severus had never been a fair weather friend, and only there when he needed her. There were times when living with Tuney had been a nightmare, because she couldn't tell her parents, her mother would cry that her babies weren't getting along, and her father would try to make them be nicer to each other which never really worked, She wanted to tell her daddy that he couldn't make Tuney a witch which was what she really wanted deep deep down. So she was often found alone, in her swing in the park when he did seek her out.

There seventh year, had gone by in a blur Lily honestly remembered very little of it. She had been head girl, and she had done her homework. She was still reeling a year later from everything. She had even accepted the invitation to go out with Potter. She would have under any other circumstances had her head examined but since she really felt she had little to loose she might as well. James was a bully but he wasn't always so and with her there he worked to improve himself. It was something that made Lily sad. That he behaved just to be rewarded. She herself felt he should have done it for the greater good. He didn't use the dark arts, but he didn't need too. Couldn't words and actions hurt just as quickly ? Lily knew for a fact that they could. He had gotten detention but hse had still backed him in DADA's class. Maybe still out a loyalty she felt to him even though she couldn't speak to him. She had answered the questions he had poised of there Professor with the proper answer, and had looked to there Professor and added right ? to it to make it seem proper. She knew Severus had spent more time teaching that class than any hired help.Still his mouth had gotten carried away and she feared he was going to get himself expelled for his asking the Professor how fast he could be packed. It was almost as bad as there Professor there sixth year, the one who was eatten she was pretty sure by the MInotaurs. She had still done potions, she had still visited Myrtle though they had made the ghost girl sad. They no longer came there together to talk to her, or for Lily to bath and Severus to read to her. Which was really Sev reading to Myrtle and Lily. Goyle had he actually come after her would have gotten it worse than Crabbe had becuase Crabbe had been her warning to them all to leave her the hell alone. If they had not listened she might have done something she'd live to regret. Lily was use to being home by herself because James was working alot even when Harry had been born. He had taken time off to spend with her and little Harry of course. He couldn't be there all year though. She knew he'd go stir crazy. So once Harry was sleeping regularly so she herself could rest too. Lily had ushered him back to work. So seeing Othello had been a surprise, not unexpected since sometimes Othello ran errands for Eileen. When she saw the locket though she knew instantly who the message was from. Deep down as much as the old magic within her, Promises were made to be honored and she had given her promise in childhood but held it into adulthood. Lily knew he needed her there was no other way around it the words were raw and pained. A confession perhaps, if nothing else. She'd have gone even if she were sick she just couldn't bring Harry with her into that. In case it was something bad.

They had both been shocked by what had happened, Lily had no doubt of that. They had been together six years in school, they had been closer than friends, more than lovers and a single word had shattered it all. She had needed the time to heal so she couldn't reach out for help she couldn't hear him because she was worried he didn't even know what he was appologizing for! She had feared the Death Eaters had finally got there hooks in him good and final. Cissy had told her that she shouldn't judge him so harshly that he still loved her desperately because if she was good at anything it was knowing who was into who and she just knew. Lily had told her to kindly mind her own business, that they had finally gotten what they wanted out of her. Her unclean blood away from them, that she was no longer a threat to them, and that she felt that it was useless to continue to be her friend when there was nothing to gain from it. Cissy had been shocked and Lily had felt terriable for hurting her. She had appologized after the fact. Still it felt like the truth though even as Cissy hugged her. She couldn't make up her own mind about the War, about what was what, All she knew was she wanted Lucius Malfoy and he wanted her. Lucius was a Death Eater and so was her sister, there was no other way for her. Lily promised to keep there secret friendship just that. Provided she never use the M word around her. Cissy really had no one she had her beauty, and she was lusted after by boys in her house. She didn't have true friends, with Bella out of school. So she fell to protecting the pretty blond when there was few others to see it. Lily could toss a silent hex just as well as her Prince. Bella probly should have scared Lily, but Lily wasn't afraid of her. She was petty and cruel to others yes, but she also had her failings.

It had been difficult for Lily not to grow closer and closer to Severus they had shared everything as children there was nothing that was not speakable between them. It was a kind of innocence that had been there that was special. He had tried to protect her even than as a wee girl. Her fear of Dementors had worried him. It was the fact her fears were his because she was her. He had defended her even at times she didn't need defending.Like from Tuney in the clearing the time she'd been listening in. Lily had scolded him because yes, Tuney never loved her at least openly but Lily loved her still. She had come back out to play a few hours later it all but forgotten and not spoken of again. She had bought a low cut dress and red and white affiar with silver snowflakes embroidered along the flowing length of it. It was a goddess dress and Lily knew she looked good in it. She had curled and piled her hair too. The dress required proper enchantments to keep up. Though she would never admit to that. She had even added a touch of makeup just to make sure she stood out moret than normal. Lily had been afraid that she was going to wind up going alone. She had even owled Eileen her plan to try to get Severus to come with her to ball. She had heard of girls playing hard to get but boys. It was rather an amusing reversal trying to convince Sev to come to ball with her. Mentions of having to go with Sirius had spurred things she suspected. It was her first and last Ball. So she was greatful to have it. They both stayed close to one another, and Lily never left his side, to poweder her nose or gossip with the other girls. She wasn't about that foolishness. She had come there to be with him, not the others. They could wait. The Ball itself was beautiful, and the whole of it just fantastic. As though having noticed his fears of being lost from her more often than not found her fingers entwined with his and if she moved somewhere he was brought as well. She had been guilty of dragging him under more than one set of mistletoe. Lily had only shook her head lightly about the boil duel that he had gotten into with one of there Professors. The man should have never told him to give it his best shot. Even than Lily knew he could have used a worse spell. He was very proficient at dueling, Lily was to but she just wasn't as good as Severus. Her ability to interpet what he was going to toss her way helped to make a duel between them showy but little else. He'd never throw a hex to harm her and she would always play defensive against him unless it was something planned out to be showy between them. lily knew that he still had the picture that did not officially exisist the gown was really pretty in that in her opinion and she was glad thay had a picture of it. Lily had not made a big deal of it. it was special just to have him with her for Yule, even if it was bittersweet as it was there first and last one. Lily Knew Eileen had understood how bad it was when her son stopped visiting and only owled on occassion. She could see it in Lily's eyes when she visited, they did not speak of it as Lily would still not break his confidence even after all those years and there breaking.

She also knew that it was not going to be seen the same way she saw it. She would resent her parents if they had done the same thing to her. Than again Lily didn't think well with her head it was her heart that led her in more than one way. Still she would stick up for him even the Petunia which she knew had wounded her relationship even more with her older sister. Lily hated that they had drifted apart but saw no way to patch up the bridge since Tuney was hard headed as any red head. She was more likely to believe in soul mates and she did believe in them to an extent. Since wasn't a Patronus drawn from a fondest wish and ones very soul ? She thought she had heard that somewhere. Severus shared a Patronus with her after all. Lily had done her best to brighten his days becuase she figured where she saw the world as bright his was dull and gray. It was no way to live and if she could give him just a little sunshine why not ? There games of pretend were no less impressive than there ability to recall Shakespeare when they were being playful. Either role either gender was of no consiquence between the two of them. They could both play either role. Though there was the fear of them being Romeo and Juliet that troubled her from time to time. Her with her silver blade and he with his potions. her parents had always been so sweet they were amazed by things, and Lily had inherited that as well she suspected that she would always have that same disposition because of them. If Petunia had not gotten bitter she too would have likely followed the same line. However she had just married into money. Her mother had always known where the chocolates had come from and had never been one to mention it since it seemed that Severus had not wanted it mentioned. She did keep the box on the top of the fridge and put her coupons in it though. That he wasn't living that he was in some stage of half life always between being truly evil, and being the boy she knew was a grueling event at best and Lily knew for a fact that it wasn't going well she could clearly see that by looking at him. He would need tending he would need someone understand not judging and perhaps the biggest mistake Lily felt she had ever made was not hearing him not hearing what he was actually pleading with her about. To not allow him to slip into darkness.

Lily rather liked the reverse of the spell it was soft and low and sing song and she could cast that rather well. If only becuase of the inflictions of it. She was very capable of tossing that spell as well she had learned how to use it but she did not have his aim or his desire to. Oh she'd do it if there was ever any trouble she could not get out of. She had never said anything to Goyle since the incident she had given him dirty looks in the halls, and if he had ever dared to cross her she knew right where he would end up again. Cissy had tried to bridge the gap for them but there was only so much the woman would do. She would not go against her husband and so there friendship was secretive. What she'd done to Crabbe had been the only warning she was going to give. She was happy that they had taken it at face value they had left her alone for the most part after that. Even the more stupid of them seem to know better. It was never discussed between them any more than the fact they had been sweethearts had been discussed. Lily had seen him as a boy who needed a friend, how things had gone from there was just between the two of them. It had nothing to do with there home lives, it had nothing to do with the magical world. It was just about Lily and Severus. She wished she could have told him that, could have let him see him as she saw him. He was her prince, her defender he stood up for her where no one else had and vice versa. The only problem with there passions was they didn't quiet burn out and they were always there lurking though she would as she always had tried to do what was best. She knew it could be fatal to duel with Severus, he was quick and firm in a strike moving much like the symbol of the house he headed. It was clear he was twice as deadly as the snake too.

Othello thought alot of himself and Lily thought alot of Othello as well. The bird had the common sense her own would one day lack. She liked him because he acted like a gentleman or was that gentle bird either way he was sure that Lily was good for Severus or he wouldn't have come to her or the necklace could have simply gone missing. She knew when he wanted attention he would rub his head against her cheek or her chin. Lily had a way with animals. There Care of Magical Creatures Professor had been disappointed that she didn't want to carry on into the job. No Auror was her way to go.She knew that she was the first choice of people to go to if Sev was in trouble. Seeing Othello with out a note was a sign to her that he was in trouble. The locket had shocked her into motion she knew her Prince better than anyone ever would. It was a good thing Lily was patient and steady handed when it came to puzzles and piecing them together properly.

When Severus was right he was right and there was no getting around it Lily would always defend him when he was in the right even if he felt he didn't need her to do so or did not want her too. Lily loved him and that was all there was to it. She would always champion what her heart told her to. The Death Eaters had done a good job of keeping her and Severus apart but it was also the fact that neither of them had been able to face the other at the time. Lily was still wounded. She had seen the dark haired boy swiftly knock a Minotaur to his knees with a swift spell. Than he was checking on her as quickly she had been fine minus some scrapped up hands and knees. He'd said enough that had he been an actual trouble maker in school he could have gotten himself suspended or expelled. He had been so insensed on her account that he wasn't even aware of what he was doing. It was often said you didn't know what you had until it wasn't there. That was pretty much the case for them she supposed but she would never point fingers or lay blame. They were both responsiable for there sadness. As only they could make it better.

She knew he could just pop in as she had but there had to be something to the boy to be allowed to use the key and the door. To know no one had changed the locks that yes he was still very welcome with the Evans homesteade even though the Evans were not there at the moment and living closer to Petunia.Lily's magic bordered of late on druidic. She could fell the line and attune herself to them. The magic was subtle but powerful it wasn't easily noticed which was precisely what Lily wanted because to much magic radiating could get them noticed. Her tears were there because yes he was still among the living. Her grandmother had told her never to cry for her when she died because the tears were for the living the dead were beyond them. So she wept for him seeing him in such a condition tore at her heart strings. Lily would have loved him no matter what in that moment no person that had a heart like her's could not reach out and try to bring him back to the road no matter how rocky or rift with trouble. It was better than wandering through the thorns. She could read all the things he did not say, it was there in his eyes the dark shadow under them that told her he had most certainly not slept. This close to him the nearness told her he hadn't eatten well either. He was just going to will himself away were he not careful. Well no, that was not going to happen not now she refused to allow that. Lily didn't expect him to try to protect her from the dark lord. She was a big girl now and quiet capable of getting herself out of harms way. Lily know how to handle herself and when to apportate.

Lily wanted nothing more than to pull him to the floor and hold him to stroke his hair and whisper to him as she had done as a little girl when things were rougher for him. She wanted to know he was going to be okay. Right now it seemed impossiable it scared her. She didn't want to loose him not like this. His wand would be his again but just not at that moment. He did not need it and he likely did not want it. A wand was just a wand it choose its weilder it was a focus, and when throwing magic sometimes it just wasn't as accurate. She had been an Auror for a good year and half before she went into semi retirement to have Harry. Her fairy fire had been something that was often used in the woods when they were having a private evening together. Ifhe had ever been sent after her she would have never allowed anyone to harm him. She'd had flung up her fire shield and she'd have likely apportated with him somewhere anywhere but there.Save family became senseless when you were facing them on the field of battle. Oh it was classical and she'd read novels about it but it just wasn't something she wanted to repeat or follow in the footsteps of. She had wanted to patch things up with Severus having children made everything else seem so small, so foolish in the light of. She couldn't because the people he was around. She could only sneak into Malfoy Manor when Lucius would be sure to be away. Lily didn't want to be caught there. However the blond woman was lonely there when her sister wasn't around. He didn't visit Eileen so it was hard to meet with him it was good he had come to her there.

Again as he would one day call her his princess the endearment had slipped but even slipping it had been every bit meant. She could tell he was unsure of being here. That he could have fled at any minute and that would have been bad. Lily would have kept him from doing so either way. The fact she still held his wand was another reason he'd not get to far. Her soft whisper of asking him to not hide from her meant that she was sure he was edging away from her and she knew it. Her grip tightened on him and he swayed she feared he might loose his footing at that point and that they would both wind up in a pile on the ground. He held her but he was also leaning into her. Lily made sure her footing was secure so there was no fear of her topping over since Severus was a bit taller than she. He always had been even as little children her arm going around his waist to secure him close to her it was the easiest way to support someone if they started to fall over. Lily herself wasn't in the best of conditions. The weather outside was bad to make things worse so she was sore and a touch tired but that was a common state for any woman with a young child to be in. She knew for a fact that if they both fell over that they would stay on the floor and sleep there where it was cold.She didn't want to eisk the flu that they both might have caught.

She caught the look of hope that went across his face and she smiled back and him faintly though it was troubled. Lily knew what happened to people she and James had been the ones to find a family that had been tortured by death eaters. She knew excactly what they were capable of doing. That Severus was a part of the inner circle was both a shock and something of a concern. Of course she would cross that bridge when she came to it. "I know." she said quietly. 'You know that I will help you find a way, Sev one that is acceptable."he would never willingly hide away not while there was so much going on. He wasn't a man who could do that she knew this as well as she knew that if it was tried he would revolt against it.She couldn't blame him she really couldn't. She'd been hard pressed to stay home the final months before Harry was born. She lifted her gaze at his sigh. "Because I should have listened to my heart, and not been such a foolish fire head." she countered as she shook her head at him. "I should have listened." she said "Still were not going to play the its more my fault than yours game now are we Severus ? Done is done, and the past is just that passed." her tone held no room for argument within it. She did detect the tone he used when he caught her out in the rain, and drenched through and through. 'We will look to the future and we will try to make it better, yes ?" she prompted as she hugged him a touch tighter to stress her words her tone never loosing the affection she felt for him. Right now he needed someone who loved him, and those were so few. She could never blame him for his choices any more than he could blame her for his.

Lily stole cat naps here and there. She rested where she could but the birth of her little boy had her running around doing alot. He had only slept a few hours at a time. He had to be fed at odd hours of the morning and Lily more often than not missed sleep because of this. Since she had to be there. James did help, he wasn't incompetent but there were times she felt he felt in compition with Harry. Which could not be going on because as tiny as Harry was and he was a small baby six pounds twelve ounces at birth. Yet completely healthy and happy. He was likely already asleep int he baby bed at her parents house. Lily spent time there when James was off on his duties. It was the problem with being an Auror you rarely had time to do anything else. It could take you away for weeks at a time too. She had been fortunate he'd been around when Harry was born really. She had her best friend of course. Still all the wives had children to deal with. She knew the look and knew if he was more solid minded he would have fussed at her. Asked her when she had slept last, if she'd had a meal, if she'd had time to just relaxe ina bubble bath. All the answers would have been unsatisfactory she knew that much as well. He glanced again and Lily shook her head. There were times a boy needed his mother too, and she shared a glance with Othello that told him she would need him at least once more tonight. Again blinked back tears. "No you won't because I won't let you." she was sure of it and her tone held firm. He gave her a squeeze back and Lily could tell how tired he was from that. She knew he would try and she knew he would do it. She had always held faith in him and she had trusted him. It was a trust that came back fast as much as the candle flame flickered as bright as a lantern light in his presence. She saw his eyes go wide and she gently stroked his back she could tell he was going to go no no no. She wasn't going to give him that option though. Still Lily promptly set herself to getting him mostly undressed. It was good he was helping her thought since her hand trembled a little bit. It should have struck her she supposed as wrong to be there like that but it didn't. They held such a bond between them that it was only natural. She undid the button at the throat of his shirt, and the cuffs as well to give him freedom of movement before she left in a flicker flash of movement and a flash of red hair being tossed over her shoulders. Lily told him she would be there with him and she would be there with him. She wasn't going to leave him in the House, she wasn't going to run from him. There was no sense in it.

"Don't worry when I am in condition to cook something and your well enough to eat it. i will make you a something to keep away the chill." she promised softly. He had dragged her into this but Lily was a typical red head there was nothing you could do to her that she didn't allow. She had a habit of digging her feet in and refusing to be bothered with going any furthur. Lily was there of her own accord and she would help him of the same accord."Yes, when I couldn't sleep because I missed being home in my own bed." she said with a slight nod. "Or when I was to wound up to get sleep." Lily tucked red hair behind her ears as she reguarded him. "I still brew it myself, and I use it still." she added as she looked wistfully around her old room. "I miss when things were so much simpler sometimes." she wouldn't say she was unhappy. Lily made due with what she was given, but she wasn't exactly happy either it was just something she had to work through on her own. Lily set the writing stuffs next to her bed side table so she could get to them when she needed them. Lily stretched herself out as well. It was odd to be here again. The stars and moons glowed lightly on her cieling nothing magical there just her old stickers. When she felt him tense next to her, she ran her fingers into his hair and stroked it back from his face. The soft sing song tone she used was a lullaby, but the words of the song had a feeling of magic behind them. She didn't cast wandless magic well, but this was wandless and effective a protection song for sleep. It wove a net of dreams and allowed the person who slept to sleep dreamlessly. Lily curled into him and her arm drapped over him as she often slept when they slipped off to rest in the Forest while in school. She was sure she would nod off too. "Sleep love." she answered equally as softly. She didn't tell him he was welcome, he knew. He needn't even thank her. Lily knew she was getting herself in deep, she knew she was setting herself up for nothing but trouble. She couldn't help it though, any more than Severus could. She didn't draw away from him until his breathing was steady telling her he'd slipped into sleep. She smiled faintly down at him. Than turned to her writing things and slipped a piece of paper leaning against her knees to write it.

Dear Eileen,
I know that its very late to be sending owls out and I understand that you
have my apologies. I wanted to inquire about perhaps a late breakfast, for
us. I plan to bring Severus with me. Be warned that he's not completely himself
and he's not excactly cared for himself as he should have. He's in once piece and
I suppose thats a start. There is never a time when someone needs there mother
more than when there not feeling well. So I hope you won't mind. I know you won't
mind you but needed to be written for the sake of manners. I will bring him by later
today on the other side of sleep.

We will See you soon.
Love Always,
Lily.

With that she motioned to Othello giving him the letter she whispered softly "Eileen." her tone low making sure to not stir the resting Wizard at her side. "Stay with her unless she returns a note we will meet you there in the morning." she whispered. She wasn't one for sending other peoples owls off. Her own wasn't here, and Lily knew Othello liked her and would differ to her in many things. Especially with his master asleep. She gathered the feather down blanket from the foot of the bed and shifted enough to bring it over the both of them. Even with Severus in the condition he was in, she felt safe curled up there with him. His wand was slipped beneath his pillow and hers beneath her own.

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[/i][/color] Severus
HOWMANYWORDS ! 6054
WEARINGTHIS ! Flowing dress with flower pattern and granny boots. Travelers Cloak.
WHEREAREWE !Evans Household
LISTENINGTO ! Love Letter-Leona Lewis
NOTES ! thanks for the tissues >.<
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